My Prison

I wish I could remove that part of me that feels

That part of me that misses him

That part of me that needs him still

I wish I could forget

Forget how he made me feel, how he gave me hope

But all I’ve ever done is lose

Lose the ones I care for, the life I had wanted, the dreams I once had

I’ve lost myself, and who I was in a moment of fear

Fear of losing someone I cared for, someone I needed to stay

I held on so tight, afraid if I let go just a little, that I would lose him too

Scared of him seeing how fragile and imperfect I really am

I feared the unknown that would take him away

So scared I was I held on even tighter

And my fear ate me from within

All I feared has now come to pass, I lost what I needed the most

I lost my one chance to be free

Free to be happy

Free to be me

So here I sit here in a prison of my own making

Condemned to to the hell that I created just for me

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My deepest desire

He comes to me in my dreams, cloaked in darkness. I feel his presence long before he enters my room.  I am waiting always waiting.  Sitting in the window with only the moon for light, I glance across the room to see his shadow standing in the doorway.  He crosses over to me his hand extended in invitation, taking it I feel the coolness of his skin, like polished stone.  Without a word he leads me to the bed, my head bowed unable to meet his gaze.  He holds my chin in his hand and raises it so our eyes may meet.  I am lost in the shadows of his eyes, like dark storms swirling locking me in place.  He leans in to kiss me my eyes unable to break from his gaze.  When his lips touch mine I feel a fire ignite within, my being sighs against him, my tower of strength.

His arm wrapped around my waist, gently lifts me laying me upon the bed.  My hair spreads out around like a dark glowing crown, my lips parted, an invitation for another kiss.  He kneels along side me, his finger tips caressing my cheek, down my neck, following the curve of my breast, circling the peak of my nipple hardening under his touch.  His fingers continue down my chest,  to my belly stopping just above my sex.  He teases me gently caressing the the softness just above in small circles keeping my eyes locked on his unable to look away and hide my desires for him.  His fingers continue their journey down the top of my thigh just before my knee, with a wicked smile on his lips his finger begin the journey back up this time along my inner thigh stopping just before my moistening sex.  Teasing with a whisper of a touch your hand glides back up my body, outlining the curves of my softness.

I see your eyes darkening with lust, and filling me with need of you.  Your wandering hand now cradling my head and I lean back into it feeling your strength.  Your thumb outlines my lips and I part them slightly allowing it entry, suckling softly teasing it slowly with my tongue.  I feel your heat rise under your cool touch as you grasp my head and take my lips once more.  Crushing me to you, bruising my lips I feel a metallic taste of my blood as your teeth nip at my lower lip, feeding from me.  Releasing my lips you turn your attention to my neck, sucking and kissing leaving your mark upon me.  My body arches towards you wanting more needing more of you.  Your mouth kisses down my neck to my naked breast.  Your tongue circling it, finding my nipple once more.  A moan escapes my lips, and you smile in pleasure knowing I can never deny your need.

Before I realize it I can feel your flesh upon mine as my legs part to accept you. I have lost all shame in my desire for you needing you to fill the ache you have created in me.  I feel your power press against me once more and I open myself to you welcoming your claim upon me.  You make me look upon your beautiful face before you enter me, needing and wanting to see my face as you take me.  My nether lips part begging for you to enter, my body trembling awaiting your claim.  And slowly so painfully slow you enter me, making us one branding me to you.  I wrap my legs around your waist and lift my hips taking you all in like a wonton whore.  The fire you erupt in me burning hot against your cool skin.

You smile down at me seeing the beast you have awakened in me, my needs and desires that only you control.  My hands run down the length of your back, gripping you and pulling you deeper inside of me.  My need made hotter by the answer of your thrusts.  Your dark eyes swirling with power as we rise together, I reach up and touch your cheek so tenderly and run my fingers through your hair.  Feeling empowered I pull you down to take your lips, locked in passion and need.  You break my hold upon your lips, needing to be back in control.  Without breaking contact you sit me upon your lap my legs still wrapped around your waist.  Leaving me in full control of our lovemaking, I hear you laugh.  Not at me but at knowing that only you can bring this lust out in me, that only you can control the woman you so desired.

You begin to thrust again, filling me deeper feeding the fire inside of me.  I arch back and you pull my breasts to you, taking it once more.  I feel your teeth graze my nipple and I cry out in need.  And in that final thrust your teeth pierce me once more, holding me tightly as my body shivers from the shock of our climax.  When you have had your fill you lay me next to you, my arm around your chest, your arm across the back keeping me close to you.  And your blood stained lips smile as you watch me sleep, knowing I will always be your lusty little fairy.

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Looking back

So I spent the past couple of days rereading and listening to all the messages and texts between N and I. I have yet to have the energy to read my past postings here on him and our conversations. I needed to know if I had read too much into all of this, if this was all me in my head. Now that I feel more like myself, just tired and sore, I needed to take a good look at everything. And frankly I don’t think I did take things the wrong way, if anything there were so many mixed signals. He called and messaged every day for several months, like I said I had the day to day break down of his life, almost every move he made, I never asked him for it but he gave it to me anyway. He left messages apologizing for not calling me sooner when he was on his way to work, to little videos of him at work or on his way to work. Thanking me for talking to him, to teasing me and making plans. He took up every free moment of my day and night. And throughout all those messages and texts and videos were the phone calls. All day and night. To breaking his own rule of not talking with anyone before 11 am, or while on a meal.

When he stopped, the change was so sudden, and hard to take. No I didn’t own him and no he was not obligated to give me any info, but to go from everything to nothing really threw me. I understood the whole premise of closing down to take care of himself and focus on getting answers, but that didn’t hurt any less. A part of me did wonder if I was pushing forward to get the divorce because of the feelings I had developed for him, and maybe a part of me did, but I can tell you when the EX punched me twice right after Christmas I knew whether N had been in my life or not this was happening. It needed too.

I wish he could understand how important it was to me to have that talk, maybe I shouldn’t have been so considerate of how he was feeling so poorly and just said what I needed to. Just be over and done with it. I wish he understood how it hurt to not be given just a few minutes to talk, when he took all the time he ever wanted from me. How much more it hurts to not know how he will fair medically, how I’ll always wonder if he’ll be ok.

It doesn’t matter anymore, because we’ll never speak again. He has affected me more than anyone else ever has. I hurt more from him and losing our friendship than I have had my entire marriage and the abuse and control I was under. I am done apologizing, I didn’t give her his number, I never thought she would go through my phone and text him. I apologized enough for my lapse in sanity, the anxiety and manic that took over. I will not apologize for how I feel, for trying to step away from our friendship originally because it was taking a toll on me. I only need to apologize to myself for allowing myself to get drawn in so deep, to not protecting myself. I wish he could see how he needed to own his own faults in how I am hurt, this wasn’t a game to me.

I can only wish and hope that he will be okay, and that I can mend myself and focus on what’s ahead for me. I didn’t imagine the things he said, his constant never ending attention, the change that happened when he came back from Jersey, the way his tone was different when we last spoke on the phone. While I can own my mistakes I don’t think he’ll ever admit his own. He said once if he was wrong he would apologize, but I don’t think he will ever see what he really did to me emotionally. I don’t think he did it on purpose, this is who he is, he’s all in and then disappears and shows back up just to make sure you’re still there. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m not. But I need to focus on healing my heart not just physically after everything I have just been through recently, but emotionally. I don’t think I’ll ever forget him, I’ll have to find a way to lock away how I feel about him and never let it out. I’ll have to deal with that hole he’s left in me, the way I feel I’d rather keep everyone at a distance and just live my life.

I won’t say that I wish one day we’ll talk and just be friends, because I know that’s going to set me up for hurt. I already hurt enough. One day I’ll move on and should I meet someone new, guard my heart, and keep everyone at arm’s length.

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So I’ve been home since Friday night, I am feeling better but I’m still sore in my groin and my heart still hurts. I tire easily but that’s to be expected, my heart rate still isn’t 100% regulated but hopefully as I heal from the ablation that will resolve. I follow up with my cardiologist on Friday and have an echocardiogram but after seeing him and the Dr who did the heart catherization I will be looking for a new cardiologist. After being in the ER twice and being treated as if nothing was wrong and in the end finding the issue I’m moving on to see someone who actually takes what their patients say at face value. The good thing is a lot of my anxiety has been resolved and I no longer feel manic or losing my mind, I feel a lot more level headed. I believe lowering the dosage on my thyroid meds have helped so much. It doesn’t change the heartache and how much I miss N, but that’s neither here nor there at this point. My life is at the precipice of a huge change and I am embracing that.

Tomorrow I’ll head back to work, I’m dreading what is on my desk from being out since Wednesday, but it’ll do me good to get off the couch. I’m putting on for an extended weekend to go see some friends in Florida, a little escape for me. It’ll be my one and only chance to fly away as the ex will be leaving sometime next month. He originally was supposed to leave at the end of this month but needs more time, he technically had until July 7th, I’m ok with this as it gives me the opportunity to go. I hate leaving my boys behind but after this I will be homebound and I’m okay with that. I’m looking forward to him leaving and doing a few projects on my house.

I have to remind myself I have a lot to look forward to. I will be able to breathe again once he’s out, I will be free to do what I want when I want. I won’t have to live with tension waiting for that shoe to drop. And hopefully as I clean house and change my world more good will come. I can only hope. It’s been rough these past several years, last year my world got upended and once again this year too. I’m just hoping for a better second half to this year.

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Missing my mom

I’m kind of numb as I write this. And I have no where else to share this. I just don’t trust in opening myself to anyone any more. I see where that has gotten me and right now with how I’ve been all over the place emotionally and not under control with it I don’t dare to open up. It’s been 5 days since changing the dosage on my thyroid meds. The only good thing with it is that it’s helped with my anxiety and making me feel like a crazy person. I’m more in control of my feelings like I used to be. Who knew being over medicated with thyroid hormone could make you nuts. So to the first dr in the ER telling me I’m having a nervous breakdown and it wasn’t my heart……FUCK YOU.

But that’s neither here nor there. It’s Mother’s Day and I seriously miss my mom. She was my rock and in the worst of times even without telling here I was sad she just made me feel better. I miss that, I miss that love. I miss having someone to talk to that didn’t judge me. Knowing that no matter what they were there. And I do t have that anymore. I thought I had it with N, and honestly he was the only one I knew that understood my loss.

So today as hard as it has been I’m numb. Being home with the kids and changing the meds has helped, but not in how you would think. I realize I am back to where I used to be shutdown and closed up. I have locked everything up inside and I’m ok with that. If I can’t trust myself to share, to be open it’s best to bury it all and protect myself. It’ll get easier I know as time goes by, I’ll make my plans and find ways to enjoy life, when I feel sad I’ll lock it away, if I feel lonely or kissing someone I’ll lock it away. This may be bad for most people but for me it’s best. There’s too much baggage, too many horror stories, too much hurt to keep up front. Maybe one day I’ll deal with it, maybe not. I find it’s best to keep people at arms length. it’s safer that way for me and for everyone, people get this impression that I’m impenetrable and can deal with whatever is thrown my way. But I can’t, not when my heart is involved.

So on a day I want so much to feel, to deal with missing my mom. The one person that can never be replaced. On a day I should be celebrating her, I’ll keep myself numb and hope one day I’ll see her again

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Being released

So after 3 days I finally went home. I was a nervous wreck earlier waiting to have the cardiac cauterization, I kept being told all that could go wrong and that wasn’t a good thing. They had already lowered my thyroid medication and it had helped with some of my anxiety but I think more so the meds that lowered my heart rate to not trigger my heart rate.

Well it wasn’t all in my head they found a spot in the upper chamber of my heart that had an extra connection that was triggering the tachycardia. They zapped it and if all goes well there is a 70-80% chance this is fixed. So back to my room to lay flat for 6 hours wasn’t fun. I can’t sleep on my back and I bit the bullet and waited it out. Dr Blue Eyes came in to check on me and check the incision on my groin. Good lord did anymore people have to see it?!!! But he checks it and keeps his fingers there and tells me to feel the same spot to see what it feels like to know the difference. So I do and he covers my two fingers with his and holds it there talking to me. Thank god for wearing a masks because I’m sure my cheeks were so red. I pulled a little away and he just held onto my fingertips as he kept talking. Look in any other situation I’d be fine with it lol but I felt like a hot mess having not been able to take a shower in three days. He excused himself and left.

I came home, my two best friends came and picked me, one of their husbands dropped them off so they could drive my car. I almost drove myself and I’m glad I didn’t. I didn’t realize till later how woozy I was. I hugged my fur babies and took a very long hot shower. I took too long because I got so dizzy and weak, but it was worth it. It felt so good to be home with the kids and in my own bed. My heart rate is about normal, I’m taking meds to keep it under control for the next two weeks and I’ll follow up with the doctor who did the procedure and my cardiologist for now. Moving forward I’ll see whoever my dad picks, as great as they were to me the fact that I was almost sent home and have been told this was all in my head,yes I understand these past few weeks I’ve been in a bad way emotionally, I’d rather have a dr that doesn’t just act like it’s nothing when there really was.

So for today I’ll rest, wait for my car to come back to me and spend time with the kids

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Falling apart

So I stupidly reached out and made a fool out of myself trying to get him to talk to me. I felt completely out of control and manic. I want even say I was on the brink of I was pretty much having a nervous breakdown. Let me correct that apparently I’ve been having a nervous breakdown for a while.

N had shared with me that there is a possibility he may have cancer and that he would have to think about sharing the results with me. That was beyond cruel. How can you tell me you could have possibly have cancer and lock me out? How could he not know how that would affect me? Did I mean that little even as a friend?

The past couple of months I’ve been on a downward spiral. And it’s lead me to where I am tonight, night 2 in the hospital. The past couple of months I have been having chest pains and palpitations. Wednesday at work I was at my desk trying not to cry. I’ve been a weepy mess, crying at the drop of a hat, overreacting to everything and having outburst, I won’t even touch on the anxiety. So at my desk trying to work my heart starts to flutter so fast and hard I got dizzy and nauseous. I looked down at my watch and saw my heart rate clocked at 171! I sat for a moment and while it slowed down it wouldn’t drop past 120. So I drove myself to the hospital. I know not the smartest move when my manager offered to drive me but I was losing it again and didn’t want to start crying hysterically in front of him or anyone else. Gratefully the hospital was only a short few minutes from my job.

They took me right in and did an ekg showing no results. They found a bed in the ER (out in the hallway) and drew blood and set up an IV. I laid there facing the window, just crying. The ER doc has a chest X-ray done and nothing was showing anything at all. By this point my heart rate was running from 98-115. The ER doc tells me he doesn’t think anything is wrong that he can see my anxiety and he feels I need to talk to someone because they feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown. I just cry. No sound, I just have tears falling the whole time. He offers to give me medicine to help slow my heart rate and offers me some Valium. I take both. The Valium helped, I laid out there in the hallway drifting from feeling numb to sadness. A couple of hours later he tells me he’s sending me home, but he wanted to call my cardiologist first. My cardiologist tells him to have me admitted for observation and further tests. He does so reluctantly.

The Valium helped settle me as I was placed in a private room on the chance I had another “episode” so not to disturb another patient. I barely slept. Thinking about what they said and my nervous breakdown and how I am reacting and how it’s causing my body to respond. on top of it they believe I am being over medicated with my thyroid meds which can also cause erratic behavior, depression, emotional outbursts, anxiety and insomnia. All of which I have been dealing with. It took hours before I finally fell asleep even with the Valium in me, with only a couple of hours of sleep I was woken up to be medicated with my thyroid meds and another medication to help slow my heart rate. A second iv in to be prepared for the cat scan for my heart with contrast, and I waited. By 11:30 my nurse comes in and suggests I order lunch as I probably wouldn’t be seen till after 1 pm, and she had seen I had not touched my breakfast. She has been so sweet and joking with me as she walked out I picked up the phone and waited to get the kitchen on the line. While I sat there my heart rate jumped to 183. Once again my heart was fluttering and felt like it would come out of my chest. I couldn’t breathe and I felt like I was going to fall over and pass out. My nurse comes running back to my room asking are you ok and sees my face. She’s calls the dr and I thank her. I thank her for seeing how high it went that I wasn’t making it up. I wasn’t thinking of anything when it happened, so is there a real issue or is it still in my head?

I did the CTA (the Cardio angiogram CT), my cardiologist came in just beforehand and said he wanted me to have an ablation to look into my heart with a camera and freeze small parts of my heart that is causing the electrical short circuit. So I’m here one more night and hopefully I will get it done tomorrow and go home. It’s scary because it’s an 1 to 2 hour procedure under anesthesia, then I have to lay flat for 6 hours being watched for bleeding and other complications, blood clot, stroke, and a possible heart attack. To fix this heart rate I have to risk all that or leave it and still risk it. So I’m going ahead with it.

My father called and we agreed to go back to the city to see his cardiologist. Frankly it won’t get any better than his. The only problem is that puts me in N’s neighborhood, I had suggested going to NYU on the other side of town but he insists on his guy in Columbia Presbyterian. He’s already scared for me at let’s be real when I practically lived at the hospital for 3 weeks caring for my parents when they were there we never ran into each other, so occasional dr visits I shouldn’t have to worry that we will run into each other and have him believe I’m stalking him.

I did call him last night after he got out of work. This time I didn’t immediately go to voicemail, not sure if he unblocked me. I left him a message apologizing for my behavior told him what was happening and why they think it’s happening, between the possible nervous breakdown and the reaction to being over medicated. Because like he said on Saturday this isn’t me. And it’s not. It’s sad and I’m scared for tomorrow, I wish I could talk to him, hear his voice and reassure me I will be ok. But I won’t have that, never again. I just hope I can get through all this and fix myself and find a way to stop hurting over him.

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I am an asshole

I sent him a message asking to talk, I asked for 10 minutes of his time. I fucking begged him. And no, and now I’m being blocked on his phone. I had to resort to leaving him a message from my work phone like a crazy person. Who am I? He has completely undone me. All morning I sat waiting for a response and my heart rate was through the roof. So I left him a message from my work phone as I can tell I wasn’t blocked and I hope he’ll listen to it.

He shared with me last Saturday night that they found something, and of course we’re all thinking cancer and we don’t know. He has not been feeling well for quite a few months. And the in and out was unnerving me I realize because I’ve been holding my breath this whole time. Because I was scared, I’m completely freaked out something will happen to him. So I held on tighter and tighter. I kept thinking back to my mom and all the plans we had that wont come to pass, the regrets of another friend who passed away that I never got to thank. My friend Joe, saved my life. Many many years ago I tried to take my life, I was in a really bad place and I was close to ending it I called Joe and we talked, I asked him to just keep talking and he did for hours. He never knew why never asked why. Years later he had bounced back into our lives and we had made plans. I stupidly put them off and two weeks later he died. I never got the chance to thank him.

All I wanted was to explain myself to him, to tell him that this me is not who I am. Him being sick has opened up a lot of grief from my mom, and I’m scared. I’m scared he’ll get worse. I’m scared I would lose him. But I lost him anyway. I let all my anxiety take over and I held on so tight and freaked out and now he wants nothing to do with me. He’ll never let me explain, even if he chose to never talk to me, I just wanted him to know. I should have died all those years ago, my life is a mess and I have no idea how I got here. How I became completely undone. This isn’t me, it hasn’t been in years. I don’t know what I thought, I guess I thought I was more than I ever was.

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Why him….

Like you I wonder why him, why and how did I become so attached to N. We knew each other over 20 years ago in school, we didn’t hang out much but we knew each other from our greek society on campus. I look back and if I am being honest I was always intrigued by him. His aloofness, the way he carried himself. Look I’ll be completely honest, it’s not like he’s this gorgeous man that women drop at his feet, a rugged brooding type, or has some amazing muscular body. He’s not even the typical type I am normally attracted to. But there is something about him that I was always drawn too, even back then. But I hardly ever saw him around campus, and as much as I hide it I am extremely shy and don’t approach people especially if I feel an attraction, I run the other way.

When a mutual friend connected us on facebook, I didn’t think anything of it, though he would pop up on my page every now and again, I would look at his pics and smile. But I was married and I figured as always no way no how would he ever be interested in me. So when he started messaging me last year it was more than a pleasant surprise. I didn’t think anything much of it till it became more frequent. I looked forward to each message and text, when he called that first time my heart nearly came out of my chest. What he didn’t know or anyone else knew, was I had made up my mind the year previously to divorce my husband. I believe I wrote about that night in May that he went to punch me in my face, screaming and cursing at me. That was the night I knew I had to end it.

Anyway back to N, so he started texting and messaging more frequently. I still didn’t think anything much of it, till we started talking at night when he would get home from work. We would talk for over an hour, or he would go take care of his cats (the kids) and then call me back. I should say this was all him, I rarely reached out and I never called unless he would ask me to call him when he was on post. There were moments of flirtations nothing serious. Then one night he said something in spanish about if only I wasn’t married. I take that back it wasn’t what he said, he text it so I’m not imagining it. He knew I was unhappily married and at some point I let him know I was getting things ready to file for a divorce. He would tell me to hurry up so he could take over ownership of me. I laughed, but my heart caught in my throat.

I took a lot of what he would say with a grain of salt. Don’t get me wrong I loved every second of it. He would text or call me every morning when he got up and told me his plans for the day, then tell me when he was heading out to work, picking up his papers and check out dvds to rent. He would text me he got the bus or the train, then when he would arrive at work. Then about an hour later he would text me his posts for the night. He’d tell me what he was eating for his meal break, even send pics. Because he was having an issue with his blood sugar he would also have a few snacks during the shift and he would tell me them too. When he was signing out from work he’d tell me he was ending his shift and going to change, then he would text me on his way to the train and tell me if he caught it on time or missed it, he texted me about this guy who was always on his train going home he couldn’t stand because he would had out tons of flyers annoying people. To the text he was walking home, to texting me he got home and was feeding the kids and would call. Then I would get a phone call and we’d be on the phone (either on or off with possible interruptions of taking care of his cats or him eating) to be on easily an hour or more a night. And lets not forget all the photos he would send me.

This went on for a good four months at least. Even on the weekends it was the same. He would call or text me to put on a channel to watch a show or movie with him. He even had me watching wrestling with him once. But this was continuous. Early on he told me he does not converse with anyone on phone or text until after 11 am, but there were mornings he would call me or text me while I was getting ready for work (around 7am). When he ate or I did, he considered that sacred time and not to disturb me or him, yet one night he video chatted me while eating his meal. Our mutual friend who figured out it was him I was falling for, told me he was always strange and quiet in school and would disappear then reappear, that he wouldn’t share talking about his life. Yet he told me not only about a lot of funny stories of his friends and him from back in the day, but talked about his mom, him reuniting with his dad and his brother, he told me also about his sister. There was even more, and I felt honored that he shard this, and would break his own rules about his sacred time (early mornings and meals) to reach out to me.

So of course, I was wondering about him, about us. Did this mean anything? Did I matter more than just a friend from back in the day? And then after he spent two days in Jersey he changed. And I was shut out. I asked if I had done something wrong, he would say no that he had shit to deal with and needed to be on his own. The deal I realize now is I am not one of those who counted enough, or earned her spot to be around when he was in a bad place. It hurt me not being able to be there for him, and I started to realize how attached I was, and how much I really did care for him. Feeling shut out hurt, mind you all this time I have already seen the lawyer and was putting money together to hire him and begin my divorce. He had been privy to a few of his outbursts and screaming at me, so he knew I was divorcing him because of it. My divorce was never about N, though if I could have fast tracked it, it would have been for him just that part. Though he continued to flirt with me and call or message every so often, I felt completely lost. And I couldn’t understand it.

I called a psychic who a friend had recommended to get some advice on dealing and what to prepare for with the husband and my divorce. In our talk she saw N, she claimed we were soulmates, and that we have been circling each other for a few lifetimes. That he was a soldier and fought to come home to me to marry me, but I was dying when he finally came home. That his attachment to where he lives is because it’s where he’s originally from and that’s where I was supposed to be in the beginning. I know it sounds crazy, I never asked for a past life reading and I was calling her to talk about the husband. She said he has commitment issues, that losing me in his first life has made him afraid of committing. That the smallest things can make him push someone out. That he was afraid because here I was everything he wanted, and now I’m going to be free to make it possible. Now before you roll your eyes like I did, I have to add this. He told me his brother is spiritual and did a retreat where he saw his past life. In it he and N were soldiers on opposite sides of the Civil War, than N killed his brother, and returned to the area he lives in now because of his attachment to it from back then.

I don’t know if any of it is true, but it’s odd how separate unexpected readings have us linked together from back then. No I’ve never said anything to him about it because he probably wouldn’t believe it. But maybe that could explain why I have always been drawn to him, that feeling like losing him felt like I was drowning, that having now lost him completely has gutted me. I’ve never felt complete, I’ve never felt like I made sense, then he came along and I finally felt comfortable in my own skin. And even though he has accepted my apologies for the shit show that happened I don’t know if I have his forgiveness.

I wish I could cut him out of me as easily as I feel he has me. Even if any of that past life crap is real, he is still able to walk away from me, and I wish I could do the same. I wish I could just explain to him how I’ve felt and how he affected me. How feeling for him open up a can of worms and has completely unsettled me. I am not the same person I was, even he said this isn’t me. It’s not, I’m better than this, I’m stronger than this. And before anyone says oh well you were lonely and you only got attached because you were getting attention I will correct you on that. I’ve had two ex’s and a friend come back into my life over the years, one in a particularly volatile time (the time he woke me up at 3 am threatening to shoot me, throwing a pot of hot sauce at me, popping my acl, I could go one). I was lonely and wanted out, I could have easily grabbed on to one of them, I could have left my marriage and had myself set up comfortably by one of them. But I pushed them all away, I was married and I wasn’t looking to cheat or leave for another man. Yet with him, he got to me where the other’s who knew me well couldn’t. Why?

All I know is I’ve ruined everything, and I will never forgive myself. I know I’ll never hear his voice again, these emotions that have gotten out are going to eat me alive inside. I’ll never have his forgiveness, and I’ll never know how he will be and make it though what he’s dealing with. Yes he told me what’s wrong, what they found, and he also told me that no one else but me knows. How do I take that? Why tell me then tell me you don’t know if you’ll let me know the outcome. To punish me? I did tell my sister that he told me and that he hasn’t shared it with anyone else, and she said why the mixed signals again. I wish I knew. I wish I could talk to him again, even knowing nothing more than a friendship of any level it would be. I never needed a man or anyone in my life to stand on my own two feet. Yet when he came back into my life I felt stronger than ever, the threats my ex husband made against me, fighting to keep what’s mine, standing up for myself against him, reclaiming my life, all strength I found in me when he came. And now I feel utterly broken. I wish I could talk to him, I wish I could just write out what I really wanted to talk to him about all along and just send it to him. I wish, but this isn’t a fairy tale, and wishes aren’t real or at least for someone like me. I wish I could just have my friend back.

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I didn’t get much sleep after speaking to N. I am beyond mortified by what happened. And frankly I am embarrassed by how emotional I have been. I’ve been through years of abuse being married and yet this man has completely undone me. I spent the day at my sister’s yesterday, she was having a brunch at her house with friends to help another friend sell a hair products line. It was a lot of fun. It was nice to be around people who like to laugh and are generally good people. My sister is a lot more discerning when it comes to people than I am. It’s why I always get burned, I give people chances, and get burned for it. I have a hard time not being there for people when they need someone, because I know what it is like to not have anyone when you need them. I’ve known this group of girls since my sister was in middle school and they are like family. I am the official unofficial big sister, but it’s hard to not have a good time with them either.

The day was good, and after cleaning up my sister and I went to grab dinner. I told her what happened. She was shocked. Like me we tend to be very private, and we don’t like people getting involved in personal matters unless they are already a part of it. She doesn’t know Carol, Carol was in another high school in my town but we met through mutual friends. She was always the life of the party but always getting herself into the worst predicaments. I always felt she made this image of herself as the forever party girl to have people like her, she didn’t know who her father was and her mom had her own issues and checked out on her. Carol was the type of girl who soaked up attention from anyone who would give it to her. And a lot of the time it was from the wrong people. She had been in and out of a lot of relationships but it wasn’t until I saw her with a black eye that I got involved more with her.

I’ve always had an issue with people picking on those weaker, I hate bullies. I was never a part of a clique in high school, but I was friends with all the groups. Freshmen funny enough wanted to know me because I had a no nonsense reputation in school as if you thought you could push someone around whether I knew them or not I wouldn’t allow it. Shit I called the police because I heard a woman screaming you’re hurting me one night while her boyfriend was beating her, I can’t stand by and not do something. It always brings me back to my childhood, being pushed around by my older sister, being made fun of and picked on at home, my brother using me as a punching bag and hitting me with his nunchucks. And then later on in life when I cried for help over the hours Michael beat and raped me repeatedly. Knowing what it was like needing someone to step in when I couldn’t defend myself, or even in the aftermath. But I never did. You would think it made me stronger, always fighting for myself, but now I see it may have done more harm than good.

So back to Carol. She had gotten herself into more than one spot that she needed help out of, but the worst was when she called crying one night because her boyfriend she was living with beat her. Of course I ran down to her, i grabbed her bag and packed her clothes, she couldn’t stay with me I was still living at home, but I would drive her to her cousin’s in CT. Her boyfriend came home while I was pulling her clothes out, it was one of the first times I thought I would die, he pulled his gun and pointed it at me. Seeing her crying crouched in the corner triggered me, I stood up to him I don’t remember exactly what was said between us but I know I was all in his face with a gun pointing at me. He must have thought I was insane because he told me to get her out and never come back. I didn’t need to be told twice. After she settled in CT I didn’t hear much from her. She moved around a lot, and I was fine with it. Too much drama for me even back in my early 20’s.

So with quarantine last year seems like I heard from quite a few people, one being N and the other Carol. It wasn’t until N started disappearing did Carol become more prominent. She was shifting between staying in CT to being back in NY. I made the mistake one night of confiding in her about him. And I shouldn’t have, maybe she had some twisted idea of trying to repay me for being there for her on and off all these years, but she crossed a line, it’s not even that, it’s she lied to me. When she took my phone to call our friend, she knew what she was doing, I’m not a big drinker, even though I have been drinking a lot lately, but it’s no more than a glass or two. She was back in NY and I wanted to not think of him and just have fun, and had way too much to drink. Not only did she invade my privacy and took his number, she contacted him. Her trying to help me out was her cursing him out. How did that help anyone? If I had hoped in the future to N and I to be friends again it’s not happening now. She not only did this but she lied to me and for 2 months! If she could have told me right away what he had done I would have contacted him sooner to make amends. But for 2 months he probably thought I was some crazy bitch giving his number out for him to be harrassed. How do you erase that? You can’t. You can’t undo that kind of damage.

I’ve spent my life doing my best to keep things to myself, to keep my life as drama free as possible or at the least the hide it from the world. What happened in my home was no one’s business. No one ever came knocking down my door to help me when he was screaming and threatening me. Only once did I reach out for help was the night he woke up screaming he would shoot me for taking his bottle of pills; which were found later behind a drawer in his dresser all accounted for. I think I only called for help because of my dog, if he decided in his rage and paranoia to actually shoot me I didn’t want him in harms way. And now when I’m finally going to be free of him and the hell he brings into my life I brought in someone who irrevocably did damage I cannot repair.

There will never be enough apologies to make up for the crap I brought into his life. Just because he accepted my apologies doesn’t mean he will ever forgive me. And now I feel like I’m being punished for someone else’s actions. But it doesn’t matter, I trusted her like an idiot and I confided in her. All because I thought it was safe to do so, because she didn’t know him or anyone he knew, she had no access to him, there was no way I thought for him to be touched by me confiding in someone about how I was feeling. I thought at least with her not having access to him or anyone else in my life she was safe to talk to. I was wrong, god I was so wrong. I made this mess and now I have to live with not just knowing that but knowing we’ll never speak again, and I did this. My sister said it’s not my fault, and maybe it’s not but I’ll still be punished for it be being forever shut out.

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