Protected and some retail therapy

Things have quieted down and he’s been busy getting himself ready to move. I spent all day Saturday at my sister’s doing some retail shopping. I went and bought myself a happy divorce gift to me. Well I bought a little more than that but holy hot feet I treated myself to a pair of Christian Louboutin’s. Yes, yes I did lol. What felt even better about it was that I bought them for me. Me myself and I!

Red bottoms baby

It’s been so long since since I’ve walked in heels, the salesman said I was a pro but I’ll practice some before the dinner cruise. I also bought a few blouses, one a silk kimono top that I may wear that night. Just like taking my trip last month and doing it all on my own, it just feels more and more like a new and stronger me. I’m still working on myself emotionally and making sure I keep my head straight. I’m doing my best to prioritize myself and not stretch myself thin. I’m keeping my circle small and tight, I’m always putting myself out for people who take what they can and run. It’s not that I look for people to do a tit for tat, but there have been those who take and take them take some more without caring how I was falling apart.

So on to the first word of my post, protected. We went to see our friend Jim at the hospital, he’s back in for round two of his chemo and it was his birthday, I thought it would be best if we went together to see him as they are very close and right now it’s about Jim and nothing else. He runs off to the bathroom, and Jim and Barb both ask me if I’m ok. I tell them yes but then he leans in and asks, are you ok? And I realize then that Kathy told them he came after me and threatened me again. Jim tells me that he had a talk with him and if does or says anything to call him and he’ll handle it. I told him he’s been quiet and behaving, and if he tries anything I’m calling the police. He came back into the room and we dropped it. We stayed for a bit, had cake for his birthday and left. My other girlfriend Kathy asked him when is moving and he told her August 6th. He took me to dinner, yeah shocking cause he never does anything nice or spend money on me, we had a nice time. We came home and he went to his room and I settled into the living room for the night.

Things have been quiet and he’s been nice; and then last night I find out why. Jim called me to check on me, he had just gotten home from his stint at the hospital and he asked me how I was doing and if everything was alright. I told him yes and not to worry, but he knows him too well. It’s why he took his gun from him after I hit him with the divorce. The same gun he woke me up with at 3 am a few years ago threatening to shoot me with for stealing his pills that fell behind his drawer. Jim told me they had a very long talk, he told him to get it through his head that it’s all in his head, that I did not and would not touch his bikes. Apparently when he came home the first time after his first chemo treatment the ex ran over there looking for pain meds. Jim told him he didn’t have any and he wasn’t getting him any. He laid down the law that if does that again he’s done with him. Jim told me he loves him but he’s ended friendships for less. Him blaming me for taking his pills when he’ll eat 6 at a time is all him. From the gist of the conversation Jim not only put him in his place and told him the truth about himself but made it very clear he will beat him if he threatens me or lays a hand on me again.

To say I was beyond moved is an understatement. I didn’t tell Jim and Barb because they have enough to handle with his chemo treatments, he’s fighting for his life and I don’t want them focusing on anything but him and staying alive. But Kathy told Barb and Barb told Jim. They all know what he’s capable of and right now he doesn’t have anything to lose which makes him dangerous to me. For Jim to call me right after getting home, for stepping in to straighten him out and lay down the law and what’s expected of him till he leaves, no one has ever done that. I’ve never had anyone stand up for me, step up to actually protect me. It made me emotional but in a good way. I’ve had people say that if anything happened they would but I’m always left on my own to face off with him. Knowing I’m risking myself to protect myself. I will be forever grateful for that, in a way I also feel validated in my reason why I’m divorcing him. Because it’s not just the fighting but they truly see the abuse I’ve been put through and how it’s happened for years.

I count myself blessed to have the core friends that I do have. Between them and my sister as my cheerleaders, I know I can get through this. I’m looking forward to the life that’s coming ahead and while I’m nervous I know I can do this. It just feels good to know I’m not alone. Even if they are not always physically by my side they are here for me.

Tired

I look back on the days that have passed

The highs and lows

The laughter and tears that flowed

I have had so much to look forward to

And at the same time I have been lost and afraid

Stuck in a pattern of my own making

Pushed and shoved into a box

Locked away without a thought of the fear that was within me

Trapped in a cycle of abuse till I found my voice

And a courage I did not know that lived in me

I fought to be free

To breathe in the air around me

Without choking on the choices being forced upon me

For finally I am free

But my soul

Bruised and misused

With scars so deep I’m afraid they will never heal

Freedom screams my name, but I have yet to rise to her call

Broken and tired

Barely the strength to lift my head

I lay myself down

And pray to find the courage to walk the path laid before me

And here we go again

The past few day’s everything has been fine. He even told his friend that’s it’s so funny we are getting along and we have been and I wanted to keep it that way. I wanted a smooth transition to him leaving. But as usual it never stays peaceful. I came home everything was fine, he took a shower and went to the garage to take his bike out. He came storming in yelling for me, I thought something was wrong with Monster. But no.

Instead he came right up and got in my face screaming at me that I someone scratched his bike and that if anything new happens to it there will be problems tomorrow. Without yelling and remaining calm I asked him so you’re threatening me? He walks out screaming and cursing saying he’s going to fuck shit up. I have the camera in the garage so I queued in and saved recordings of him belittling me and making threats he’s going to rip shit up. He storms back in and is still carrying on. I tell him to leave and he’s just going on and on and stomps back to the garage. At this point he pulls the plug on the camera so I can’t see him or hear him plotting.

He took off on the bike thank god and I’m praying he stays out. I know he’ll show his ass back here but I want him out for a few hours. I’m literally shaking so hard and I can’t stand my knees are weak. I faked being calm and unafraid but I am afraid. I heard him say it on camera in the garage he doesn’t have anything to lose. He may be older but he is a lot stronger, when he gets unhinged you don’t know what to expect. You just expect the worst.

I’m hoping he stays out long enough to cool down and realize I’ve been at work all day how the hell did I break into the garage with keys I don’t have to mess with his bike?!!! So I can live in constant fear? Why the hell would I want to live like this? It makes no sense. I just want him gone. The sooner the better. I don’t trust him. He doesn’t have anything to lose he’s capable of anything when he’s like this. I just want this end, I want him gone and I want to breathe and feel safe.

Facing the ugly truths ….

I woke up this morning and I have to say I felt happy almost giddy. I was laughing and joking, on my game at work hustling getting extra jobs done and feeling overall good. It’s been such a long time since I’ve felt that was. The past several months have been hard on me, really hard. The cumulation of the years of abuse in my marriage to holding in the grief of losing my mom, and not being able to have my daughter, I could feel the cracks coming. Well truthfully the cracks were always there it’s just that I couldn’t keep up with the patchwork to keep it all in. I think the first real bad moment I was having was close to my moms birthday last year. The pain was too much and I wasn’t handling it well. I never allowed myself to grieve, I had a really bad episode and my body was literally vibrating one day. I will forever be grateful for N helping me that night. I still haven’t fully let it go of my grief but who does ever get over losing their mom.

And that was just the beginning to my breakdown, the anxiety I was having from planning the divorce and being afraid of his reaction to it. Every day leading up to telling him was taking its toll on me, and the one constant that kept my head above I felt I was losing. My dog means the world to me and I wasn’t sure he was going to pull through, the sleepless nights watching over him didn’t help. Then just 3 days after Christmas the fight happened, except this time he hit me, he didn’t just hit me he punched my arm repeatedly. And that was when I let out I had filed for divorce, if his head could have spun like the exorcist it would have. Man did his attitude change thinking he could convince me to not do it but I had planned for this for too long. It was long overdue.

I started the new year on pins and needles, trying to get him to the table to sign. It was exhausting and my anxiety took another turn for the worst. I was walking on thin ice emotionally, feeling overwhelmed by every emotion that was bad. I worked so hard to hide it, I started avoiding people, overreacting to situations, snapping at people and plain miserable and depressed. I was drinking a lot, which sure didn’t help. I needed to talk to someone, someone to vent to that would just listen to me and not disagree with how I felt. Queue Carol, ugh what a mistake. When she popped into my life I let myself get lost in her latest antics. I thought I could forget about my life by digging her out of another mess. That was a huge mistake and completely my fault. I knew I needed to deal with what was happening with myself but I didn’t, I escaped by talking to someone who had no access to the core part of my life. I felt safe, stupidly I felt safe. Well we all know how that went, hanging out drinking way too much and being prodded to let it out was a mix that spelled disaster. From there I just snowballed, I wish I could say finding out she reached out to N and cursed him out made it worse, but I was already falling down the rabbit hole. I wasn’t me anymore, all I did was cry and drink, I was self harming trying to relieve the stress, the pain and anxiety. Nothing was working.

This was all happening as my heart issues began and it exasperated it. I found myself in the ER twice, the second led me to being hospitalized. On top of it I was diagnosed with having a nervous breakdown. I remember laying in the gurney in a hallway just crying, not a sound came out, the tears flowed and my body shook. Gratefully they started giving me Valium and one doctor wanted to send me hone, the other ER doctor spoke to my cardiologist and they agreed for my safety to keep me in for observation. If the Valium had not helped I knew from how they were talking to me I was going to be committed. It is really hard to admit that if I was going to get worse (which is scary in itself as bad as I was at that time) they would 51/50 me. Between the Valium and being admitted into a private room I finally came off the edge. They had gotten my heart rate under control and the nurses kept coming in spending time with me, I finally felt safe. It’s so sad that I felt relief being admitted for observation, that I felt safe. Was I feeling safe from him or myself, maybe it was both.

I think for tonight I’m going to stop right here. Thinking about all this, purging it does help but it’s late and facing it, writing it all down is just so heavy on my heart. For now I’m going to immerse myself in some shark week shows and get some sleep. Tomorrow is another day, another day to work on me, to admit the path I was on and the self destruction that was happening. The therapist is right, to continue forward I have to face the unpleasantness of the truth and let it go. To let it out and burn it. Because I will not go back to that, I can never allow myself to be that person again. I never was and I never will be again, I will be me. Bruised scarred and wiser for getting through and continuing to put one foot in front of the other to fight for me.

The End is Coming

No I’m not talking about the world, though for the ex it may seem that way, I’m referring to the end of the chapter, the end of the book that has been the horror story of my life. He may have thought he could stay indefinitely but that is not happening, never was. But then again he’s always gotten his way in the past through bullying me, fear tactics or never ending whining. He has tried the not feeling well scenerio and I called his bluff. He claimed last week he was really sick and took himself to the ER but then left because it was taking too long. I looked at him and said if you were so sick why did you leave? I know why, because he knew they wouldn’t give him meds. He was kicking again because he ran out of his oxy’s. You know what? NOT MY PROBLEM….

I caught a small video clip of him arguing with his “friend” who came over the other day for pills. Apparently this guy wanted more than he could give, because one, his Dr cut him back and two, he probably ate too many and was short on pills. I told him I never want to see that guy back on “MY” property. Either way I got on his case about calling social security and Medicaid to transfer his benefits to Florida. He finally got it done today, well at least what he has to do will only take 24 hrs to go through. Thank God. I keep asking him what about the truck did you book it yet, he keeps assuring me the guy is ready when he is. Well I’m ready for him to go. He started with the paranoia and threats again. He went off about someone getting in the garage, mind you it’s locked up like fort knox, and is scratching his bikes. He carried on about it, I ignore him because he flips out about the same exact marks over and over acting like it’s a new mark. He’s scratching it himself constantly wiping them, and not for nothing riding them more and its very likely that the road is kicking up pebbles making marks as well. But no that never happens :::::insert eyeroll:::::

So Sunday I slept in and he started. I walk out of the living room/my bedroom to make a cup of coffee and he starts. He stands in the hallway looking right at me after ranting, he states that when he catches whoever is touching his bikes he’s going to kill them, he doesn’t care if he goes to jail, he’s going to kill them. He says it very slowly almost in a gritted yet calm tone, and I know the threat is directed at me. I have never ever touched his bikes in any way that would harm them. Not to mention I don’t have access to the garage that I pay for! Nor have I ever had access to any garage I paid for. But the threat is there, the calmness in which he said it did unnerve me a bit. He’s always been full of hot air, but I also know he is a ticking time bomb. He’s already put his hands on me twice and don’t think I don’t realize it could easily happen again. I ignore him and stay away from him.

Monday morning I wake up and before I can even make it to the bathroom to start getting ready he’s on me. Practically shoving his phone in my face bitching that the cameras were all offline again, why?! I have no idea, these Blink cameras suck. They constantly go offline and come on, don’t alert me when they detect motion till 30-60 seconds after, or just are not working well at all anymore. It kills me to leave my cat and dog alone with him, no I don’t think he’ll harm them but his energy in the house is suffocating. I waited till noon and messaged him to call social security. I keep dropping that he’ll be in Florida soon, that transferring his benefits will be easy, to call the guy with the truck/trailer. I make sure without saying it out loud that he has to go. I’m going to talk to him tonight about him leaving at the end of the month. I’ll let him know his 120 days are up and that according to my attorney he’s in contempt of court not vacating. He can stay till the end of the month but that’s it. I want my house back, I want my space back, I want my life back and with it peace.

In the meantime I am moving forward with making changes for myself. I’m eating better and doing my best to stay on top of my health. I’m having a tough time shedding the weight, I can’t amp up my exercise more than a brisk walk because of my heart, and I’m eating very little and what I do eat is healthy. Everyone keeps telling me it’s stress holding onto it, I just wish I was like everyone else, stress makes them lose weight, but then I’d be invisible lol. I’ve made plans with my sister to spoil myself, we are going shoe shopping and I am on the hunt for red bottom shoes! Not the ankle/neck breaker ones, they have a lower heel than their skyscraper 4 inch ones, I saw a pair that are sling back’s which I would love to get my hands on. Then a new top for my outfit for the dinner cruise. If I’m going to the yacht club I will damn well look like I belong. I’m contemplating a hair change as well, not a cut, not yet, I’ll hack it off soon but I want my long locks for this night next month. I’m thinking a full head of highlights, I have dark brown hair and I think it’s time to change it up, or as my sister says sex it up. I mean I do have beautiful hair, it’s my favorite physical asset (yes I love it more than my boobs), and with that I’ve been wearing my contacts again, trying to get used to them. I am waiting for my new eyeglass prescription which I will have in a couple of weeks, I have these new clear frames that I love, now my sister wants them as well hahahaha. I’m going for a whole new look for the new and improving me.

I still am working on me, and putting me first. Not over extending to others, and healing my heart and soul for all it’s been through. I’m no longer waiting on him being physically gone to start my new life, it started already and I’m going to run with it and see where it takes me.

My snuggle bunny 🐰

Dreams….

I don’t know if I spoke about it before but on my mom’s side we are considered dreamers. My grandmother could dream literally and symbolically, my mom could but not as well as her. I used to dream symbolically. I know I know its sounds hokey, but being half Puerto Rican we have certain spiritual beliefs and trust me I’ve seen and experienced things that I just can’t explain away. As imaginative as I am, when it happens to you and you’re wide awake even in daylight there is no denying it. Okay so back to dreams. It’s been a while since I’ve had a dream that was significant in any way. I’ve been in a really dark place, my sleep has almost been nonexistent to just never reaching the level of sleep I need to function. I’ve been told on more than one occasion to pay attention to my dreams, but again lately if I’m dreaming I don’t remember. I actually think I haven’t been at all.

But the past couple of nights I have, I assume it’s because I am feeling a lot stronger mentally and emotionally. That I’m getting my spark back and that aggressive side has finally woken up. No not the type to start a fight but the aggressive side of me that’s willing to walk through the fire to achieve my goals. I guess I’m putting on my armor so to speak to do the things that need to be done. In doing so and being at peace with my decisions in the direction I am taking my life I’ve started to dream again. When I have significant dreams I know to hold onto it and remember. That’s something I need to work on, I’m sure as my situation continues to improve and I remove all the negativity from my life I’ll be able to remember more.

So this leads me to last nights dream, or rather this morning. It kept revolving around getting a passport, yes I recently traveled and looking to do more in the future but I don’t have a passport. I know I should and I am applying for one as soon as I can get a decent pic lol. But the whole premise of celebrating my passport in my dream seemed a little over the top, I mean it’s a dream so they can be wild but I felt it could be more. So I did a little digging on the symbolism for a passport, this is what I got:

Passport

To see a passport in your dream represents your identity and your ability to traverse through various situations. You are experiencing new found freedom to do what you want and go where you want. You may be going through a period of self-discovery. 

There was more to it that didn’t pertain to me and my dream, like losing it or seeing it get stamped. I’ve been so worried about this new chapter of my life, being divorced and moving on. It seems either the universe or my sub conscious is giving me the reassurance that I making the right moves. I am loving my new freedom and will even more once I pack his ass out the door this month (LOL) but I am already doing new things, going where I want to go and seeing people. I’m rediscovering me, and while I’ll never be the old me, I can take who I was and be more. Be better, for me and the people in my life. I do feel different, I have a different energy about me that I didn’t really notice before. I know it’s just going to get better from here.

So while it’s great to know I’m on the right track, and yes that includes actually getting a passport for future travels abroad, there are a couple of new possibilities to see someone new. I’m not moving on anything yet, I need him out, I want to do things the right way. Plus neither one is giving me a forever vibe and that’s just fine by me. Hopefully the dust will be settled so I can perhaps bring one of them on the dinner cruise my company has arranged in the city in August, or maybe I’ll go solo for the first time to a company function and see what’s out and about later on. All I know is the possibilities are endless.

Frustrated

So the ex and I had a mild blow up. I asked him again about when he’s booking the trailer for the move and he said the guy is ready when he is. All of a sudden the guy can go at any time. So I ask again so when are you looking to do this, and he went off. Carrying on how his sister said she can’t find any doctors in Florida that take Medicaid/Medicare. Excuse me?!!! It’s known as the retirement state, and there’s none? Yeah I call bullshit. He went on and on about how he is not leaving without doctors in place, and his social security in place.

I told him that I told him months ago to do this. I told him he should have been looking since day 1 when I told him I filed for divorce. I know he didn’t ask his sister shit. He’s trying to stall as much as possible and let me tell you I’m not having it. He’s been trying to make himself indispensable to me but I have news for him, I’ve been ready to be alone and do it alone because I already have been. I went on my phone and looked up doctors and found pages online of doctors and specialists for him. I found a number for him to call to have his benefits transferred to Florida and that they can do it right away. He stood there dumbfounded because I did it all in 15 minutes.

So tomorrow I’m going to call a few doctors make sure they take his insurance and are accepting new patients, as well as his medical problems. I’ll call social security and get the forms to transfer his shit to Florida. Then I’ll give him everything and tell him no more excuses. No more delays. His cut off is coming and I really don’t want to get into a predicament that I have to have the sheriffs pull him out. I don’t want to have a war because he’s been “nice” for too long. And that always comes with consequences for me, verbally, emotionally and physically.

I have a life waiting for me to live, I’ve been doing more but I want my space and I want my peace. I’ve been nice for way too long, and I’m done. I don’t want to fight, I’m tired of fighting, I’m tired of being tense with my guard up. I have plans and time is ticking. He’s in for a big surprise if he thinks I will cave, and frankly that’s too bad.

Sick to my Stomach

I just came across a news clip online of a shooting right in front of the hotel N works at. It happened yesterday and thankfully everyone is ok, the one man was shot in the back will be ok, apparently shot by a BB gun but it still sent my heart rate through the roof. I do my best to avoid news on what is happening in the city because we do not speak anymore, and I have no way of knowing if he’s ok. They only mention the one man who wasn’t him, thankfully, but it doesn’t make me less worried.

I’m sitting here at my desk sick to my stomach, my hands are shaking and my heart rate has spiked. I’m trying to breathe through this, and I know I’ll relax soon enough especially since no mention of anyone else being hurt during this incident. It still doesn’t help things. I wish I could just know for sure he’s alright, that he is safe. But I’m not allowed that anymore, and all I want to do is throw up the coffee I just drank. I hate that I cannot know if he is ok, and I am not asking my friend to reach out. We both went to the same college and they do know each other. If what Carol had done had not happened I would have asked our friend to reach out just so I could know. But he’d know and I don’t want her dragged into any issues.

All I can do now is just try and calm myself down and hope that no other news comes through that someone else was harmed during the shooting. I fucking hate this, I hate it so much.

Second chances

The other night I got together with my two girlfriends to be there for one whose husband is fighting stage 4 cancer. By the time I showed up with food to make sure she’s eating they were almost halfway through a bottle of tequila. We ate, they drank and we laughed. Barb broke down at one point finally letting down her guard. She cried and expressed her fear and how she doesn’t understand why they are going through it. I held her and hugged her, we let her cry because we know she’s been holding it in. And then a couple of more shots a drunken call to her daughter and we were back to laughing again.

At this point my other friend lets it slip that she needs the number for my divorce attorney. And Barb is shocked. I knew, she had told me last week about her ex and her talking and that she wants to leave her husband to be with him. This isn’t the first time she’s wanted to leave him, not the first time it was for another man. A few years ago she was working on leaving her husband while dating an old friend. I didn’t like that guy, but it’s not my business. I get to meet this one in a couple of weeks as he coming up and I’m going to go out to dinner with them.

Barb starts crying because she knows she’s not happy and just wants her happiness. We both tell her that she will be happy, she’s going after her happiness. She tells me I gave her the courage to do this because no one ever thought I would leave TH, they all knew how bad it was for me but that I would just stay stuck. Barb chimes in that her husband is her second chance, she was leaving her husband when he was killed. Her second chance is the love of her life, her eternity as she says. And I believe it, to see them together through good times and bad there is love. But for our other friend she’s in the same predicament I was in, we were our husbands end game.

I gave her my lawyers number and told her not to say anything till she sees the lawyer to discuss things. When she does talk to her husband I told her if at any time she feels unsafe to come stay with me. I practically carried Barb to bed and cleaned up and then drove Kathy home since I was the only sober one tonight. We talked on the drive home and she was upset saying how much time she wasted, that she should have never left her ex, that he’s been the one love of her life. I told her like Barb with love she’s getting second chances.

I asked her who she was 15 years ago, would she have been ready and could she have sustained a relationship with him. She said no. I told her she was getting this second chance with him, I know she’s scared because she really hurt him, but he’s always loved her. She needed to take this chance if this was what she wanted, she said more than anything. I told her not many people get a second chance, good or bad she’s wanted this. And now she can.

And here is where I come in. I’ve made mistakes, god knows I have and didn’t just dip my toe in the crazy pond my anxiety had me cannonball right into it. I’m grateful for my heart issue happening when it did, no matter how scary because without it I might have gone down a one way trip to crazy town. Kathy left her ex, then left the man she left him for to marry the man she’s with now. And coming full circle she’s divorcing her husband to be with the original man she should have always been with. she gets her second chance to be happy and have real love.

I’m getting my second chance when the ex moves out this month. I get to have my life back and really take care of me and do the things he’s held me back on. But the one this I wish I could have a second chance with is N. I miss my friend, I miss looking forward to our talks, the texts and video messages. I miss how his voice would soothe me. I miss the connection we had and how I wasn’t afraid to share my life. But I feel like out of everyone I’m the one being punished, I made a mistake. A mistake I couldn’t really help. While I’m happy for everyone getting their second chances I wish I could have one as well. Just once to show the real me, that breakdown wasn’t me, that was over stressed, fearful, hysterical and over the top anxious with lots of alcohol me. But I’ve learned that’s not my lot in life.

Working on me….setting up boundaries

So I have been reassessing my life and what I want out of life. It always comes back to wanting to learn to love myself, to appreciate what I bring to the table whether it be work, family or relationships. For most of my life I just gave and gave and never got anything in return. I don’t give my time or anything else at all to receive, but I find that most just take whether I give it or not. When it comes to the people I care about and love I do what I can to be there for them and protect them. No matter the time day or night, if I am working or in the middle of something, you call I answer. And it’s not like most are not there for me, I just have a hard asking for help, to just have someone listen to me when I am at my lowest. To be an ear, a shoulder, a cheerleader, a sounding board; all the things I am to everyone else around me. For instance the girl who does my wax, we have oddly bonded because we are both in unhappy marriages and while we are celebrating me getting the divorce and her on her way to it, I see how her husband just strips away her confidence. I told her not to let him do what mine did to me, to not let that light go out because while you can get it back, it’s so hard. I told her if she needed to talk, day or night to call or text. She looked like she wanted to give me a hug, but being I’ve sitting on the table naked from the waist down, um yeah not happening lol.

But this is what I do. I continually extend myself. I can’t seem to help it, I see someone hurting, someone who needs to be heard or just acknowledged that they are hurting because I know what it’s like to not have someone there. My very closest girlfriends are there for me, I can pick up the phone and they’ll be there, but I have a hard time asking for that, especially with all they are going through themselves. I don’t always trust myself and my emotions. I’m so used to taking what I feel and packing it away. That is not good because in the end when I do break down, it’s bad. I mean really bad. With others if I do open up they immediately start talking about themselves and how they relate, which is fine accept that we continue on with them and forget that I needed to be the one to talk. So I shut down and put it away. I allow this to happen, I never speak up. I just let people take and take till there is nothing left and then they take some more. Some don’t realize it, others just do not care.

I am slowly learning to set boundaries. It’s hard but it has to be done, I have to teach people how to treat me. That I am not a doormat, that I don’t care for fair weather friends. That you can’t disappear and come back like nothing happened when you know it bothers me. Granted I have friends from way back, we have our own lives and get caught up in the day to day. We can pick up the phone and talk as if we were just together. But there are certain people that come into my life that are all in then step out, without a good explanation. They just act like this is how it is, and don’t care how I feel about it. Especially not when something big is happening. I can’t make them not do it, but I can sure as hell make it known now how it hurts me, and makes me feel less than.

I have to set the boundaries without worrying that others will be hurt. If they get mad because I wont let them take advantage of me or use me, that needs to be my red flag telling me this friendship is not mutual. I have to stop letting people take all my energy, my emotions and then throw it back in my face. To use any information that makes me vulnerable against me. Just when I think I can trust someone, or I let my guard down accidentally I get slapped in the face. It’s a harsh reminder as to why I keep my circle small and tight.

It’s a work in progress, I’m a work in progress. I can’t always be the perfect friend, or the perfect girlfriend. It does get hard to stand up for myself, but I’m slowly doing it. I’ve cut off a handful of people in my life, others have seen a change. It may be small but those who have either have not appreciated it or flow along with me. I have to remind myself I am worth it, that I am more than I ever thought. That I do have a lot to offer, but only to those that earn it. I’m sure I’ll continue to learn some harsh lessons but I hope to make those fewer and far inbetween.