Another Battle Royale

I can’t keep up with how many rounds we have had, forget about from the length of time we’ve been together, but just over the divorce. Things have been quiet and he’s been extra nice, I tried talking to him on Sunday but he said if it’s what I think it is don’t, not today, please don’t ruin my day. So I left it alone and walked away. Last night when I came home I tried speaking to him, I reiterated the money offer in cash with extra for moving expenses. He flipped out. He went on about wanting to force me sell, he outright told me that if he had to move out he didn’t want me to end up with the house. I had told him I wanted to stay in the house (um I put down the full 20% down payment and pay 2/3rds of the mortgage and 90% of the household bills), not just for myself but my dog is 13 1/2 and blind. He hasn’t adjusted well to losing his sight and hearing and moving him would be extremely stressful and push him over the edge. Not to mention it’s extremely difficult to rent with a cat and a dog.

So needless to say we ended up in an argument, him yelling and me holding it together to just speak and be rational and break down the numbers for him. Letting him know what I’m giving puts him ahead and being vindictive only gives me 90% of the payout and he’d end up with less than 4k to move out of state. He said he didn’t care but I told him ok.

He kept going on and on, I was literally shaking inside. I was angry and scared. Angry because he threatened to come after everything I worked for, nothing he earned. He’s done nothing but give me grief and tears, this is all proof that he never loved me, he saw a sucker who could make his life easier. He’s lied, stolen, accused, intimidated, and abused me mentally and emotionally and yes a couple of times physically. In all his yelling I told him to keep it going because I was recording him (this time I wasn’t but I have been more and more to have proof of his abuse), he tried to tell me I threaten him with coming at him by yelling I told him no, I only yell to talk over you because you’re always screaming and threatening me. He called me a crazy bitch (and here is where I know he’s bluffing) he told me he had me recorded cutting my wrists. He’s like you cut your wrists you crazy bitch, I laughed at him and said oh yeah sure you have me recorded.

I did many years ago cut my wrist. We had gotten into another argument, once again about intimacy and he said something so awful it cut me to the core. I picked up a paring knife and made several cuts across my wrist, they were shallow but enough to bleed. I wasn’t trying to kill myself, if I was I know it’s one deep slice up the forearm to do the job. I had been at that point ripping open the skin on my back and upper arms due to emotional distress, and when I bleed it soothes me. That’s how much pain he has caused me, that I have to redirect my pain to something physical to remove it emotionally. I ended up with 37 stitches and lied that I fell into metal and shredded my wrist. I know the doctor in the ER didn’t believe me, but she didn’t question me either, the way I had sliced myself it was ragged and not in a straight line at all. Every time I look at my wrist it’s a reminder of the pain he’s caused me and how weak I’ve been in not leaving sooner.

But that’s neither here nor though and it bares no weight in anything. We go back and forth for a bit with him yelling and me remaining calm. A lot of the things he was spouting I know was not coming from a attorney, he’s getting advice from friends and it’s bad advice. We ended it with him yelling fine just give me the money and I’ll leave I want out. He said a few more things that if it was a couple of years ago would have been hurtful but now his words mean nothing. I feel like a lot of what he had to say in coming after the house and my money was a bluff, he doesn’t have money for an attorney. He can’t take me to court because he also can’t afford the state and federal government to know he’s been married with a working spouse collecting benefits he would only get if he was single. I know a lot of it is because he’s angry. I’m taking his security away and he’ll have to fend for himself and he’s scared. So knowing he has a lot more to lose I think he’s backed off, I pray.

He called me at work today, and we spoke again. I told him I called my attorney to make the changes so we could sign and he said ok. I expressed that this is how we protect him, that his last two marriages they took everything and left him with nothing. Not that I blame them knowing now who he really is. He understood or so he says, and he’s ok, supposedly. He said he is going to miss my cat and dog, I told him this is why I wanted to stay in the house for our dog’s sake and he agreed. I played it up and told him not ending things nasty keeps us talking and I would send pictures and videos of them to him. That once I’m more on my feet if he needed me I would be in a position to be able to help him, that I don’t hate him and yes I no longer love him but I do care, which is why I’m trying to go the route I am so he ends up with something instead of nothing. Not backing down from my offer probably made him think I can’t go any higher because there is no more to give to him.

To be honest I don’t care anymore about him, I’m buying my way out of the marriage. I want to be free of him and be happy. I told him that I feel 6 months from now he’ll be riding his bikes in Florida and he’ll be happy and realize he doesn’t have to shovel snow again and he laughed. I also told him that our mutual friends are not going to stop being his friend, while my two best friends want me to be rid of him, they don’t necessarily hate him. And I don’t want them to either, this is my fight not theirs.

I’m hoping to hear from my lawyer tonight to pick up the revised documents, I want to get him to a notary asap before he changes his mind again. I just have to remain calm and call his bluffs, stay in the know of the law to put in his face and be confident. That is what is shaking him I believe. And that’s where I need to keep him to signing.

I need a drink already,

Crazy dreams….

It’s been a long time since I’ve dreamed, or shall I say remember that I had a dream. Last night I had the weirdest and craziest dream I’ve had in a long time. What makes it stand out is that I woke up while having it, then went back to sleep and right back into it. I’ve never been able to do that before. Even so I was trying to talk through aspects of the dream to myself as I was having it, like I was trying to rationalize what was happening. Being half Puerto Rican, we have our beliefs, but also on my mom’s side of the family we are dreamers. In the sense that we have premonitions in dreams. Some of us have stronger capabilities than others, my mother and grandmother could dream literally and symbolically. Myself I dream symbolically. The only time I had a literal dream was when I was pregnant and didn’t know it till I had the dream. The dream itself was of paternal twin friends from high school that were laughing and pointing at me saying hahaha you’re pregnant over and over. I woke up and realized I was late. Not saying anything to my now husband I went out and got a pregnancy test, I was pregnant. I was freaked out and a bit excited, having PCOS I knew getting pregnant wasn’t a possibility or a very hard possibility for me. Long story short, he convinced me now was not the time to have a baby, with him not working (shocking right) and having to search for a new place to live as they were selling the house we rented an apartment in. I made the painful decision to have an abortion. Something I have regretted ever since, he promised me we would try again, but as you all know after being married we never had sex again.

So anyway back to my dream. I was on a very small island about the size of 5 city blocks off of Montauk, NY. The land was split almost in half by an older woman who used it to raise vegetables and lived in a 3 story ocean cottage home that in my head looked light blue with white trim, I only mention the color because later on the color will change. The other larger half was owned by a guy raising horses. Which is odd I thought, there is no where to ride horses since it was a tiny patch of land well away from the mainland. Either way I never saw any horses but knew that was the reason for his property. The older woman I was friendly with hated him as she felt he was trying to bully her off her land to keep the whole island to himself. At one point he pulled up to her fence and they were arguing and he was making fun of her for her saying she was working on making a product that would organically eat away at stains on shirts or other objects you spray it on. My dream skips ahead to another day when I’m running up to her door yelling that it works, that I had black paint on my shirt and it was just disappearing, I even painted the side of her house with the brush still covered in black paint onto the white siding (see the color of house just changed…dreams I tell ya). She ran into her house to get the spray but I wiped it and it just started to fade until all you saw was the white siding.

We next saw the guy from across the way wave at us as he was in truck heading to the dock to leave the island for the day. We went inside and I looked out her windows across to the other side of the island and saw waves crashing into the lighthouse on his end. At first I was taking pictures as I was in awe of the spectacle. But then it started to dawn on me the wave were higher than the lighthouse and I started to panic. I grabbed the older woman and told her we need to get off the island now. That we would drown, we needed to get on her boat and leave. She kept looking out the window remarking on how beautiful it was. I see the island becoming flooded and know it’s too late to leave and we head up to the rooftop where she has a pool. Don’t ask, I didn’t either lol. I see the waves crashing over the lighthouse and the water coming towards us. I start to look for a life vest as I know we are going to be swept out to sea and I want to have a fight chance of not drowning. Then I think oh my god the sharks, there are sharks in the water. I see large great whites circling in the water as the water is almost to the rooftop of a 3 story home. The older woman just looks on remarking how the ocean is rising half covering the water turbines, and I want to shake her into reality. All I can think at this point is that the house is going to be swept into the ocean and us with it. I will either be drowned or eaten by the sharks I see. I look out and see a sailboat. I start waving frantically for help and I see them wave back and turn to us. But the waves capsize the boat as I see the sharks circling once more.

I’m panicking again but at the same time thinking we need the coast guard, they’ll come. But did someone think to call them? Does anyone know we are here and this is happening? Then I look out to see the sharks circling in front of the house, the water is clear even through turbulence of the waves. And once more I’m trying to rationally think sharks would not be in these waters, it’s too volatile for them this close to the surface they would be long gone as would most ocean life to protect themselves. But I’m still scared as I see them circling just under the surfacing waiting for us to fall in. And then the water just recides and we’re safe and I wake up. See I told you just plain crazy.

So here is where I know I just dreamt something important that I need to pay attention to. And I will break down what is important to explain what it all means for me.

Sharks

To see a shark in your dream indicates feelings of anger, hostility, and fierceness. You are undergoing a long and difficult emotional period and may be an emotional threat to yourself or to others. Perhaps you are struggling with your individuality and independence, especially in some aspect of your relationship.

So the shark symbolism is all me and my soon to be ex husband, I’ll explain. My husband is trying to bleed me dry moneywise in the divorce. I made him an offer but he wants more, to the point it could cost me my home. As much as I try to hide it, I have anger and hostility brewing in me. And I will fiercely protect myself financially as he doesn’t deserve what I have worked for since he has done nothing to contribute to it. I am struggling with trying to find myself and gain my independence.

Alternatively, a shark represents a person in your life who is greedy and unscrupulous. This person goes after what he or she wants with no regards to the well-being and sensitivity of others. The shark may also be an aspect of your own personality with these qualities. 

As a shark he is greedy and underhanded, he does not care about my well being, never has and is extremely selfish.

In particular, if you see a shark in shallow waters, then it means that you are emotionally vulnerable. You are trying to suppress your anger, but it is just too much to keep in.

The later half of the explanation about me being emotionally vulnerable is true as this past year my walls have been breaking down and I have become emotionally fragile, and yet I have been holding back my anger towards my husband and all that he’s put me through and all I allowed him to put me through these years.

Water

To see water in your dream symbolizes your subconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. To dream that water is boiling suggests that you are expressing some emotional turmoil. Feelings from your subconscious are surfacing and ready to be acknowledged. You need to let out some steam.  

Now for the water symbolism, even though the water wasn’t boiling it was turbulent so that would characterize my emotional turmoil, that all I’ve kept buried feelings wise is rising to the surface and between my need to free from my marriage, my sexual frustrations and my anger over the loss of so many years is something I need to deal with and find a way to release all I feel.

To see calm, clear water in your dream means that you are in tune with your spirituality. It denotes serenity, peace of mind, and rejuvenation.

While the waters were not calm, the water was very clear which is always a good sign, if the water is dark and muddy which mine was not its is a foreboding. So while the waters where not calm they were clear except for where the waves broke, the only peace of mind I have is the assurance in myself for making this decision to go through with the divorce.

To dream that water is rising up in your house suggests that you are becoming overwhelmed by your emotions.

To dream of the water rising over the house is a nod to me feeling overwhelmed with anxiety, fear, frustration, anger, needs, I could go on and on. The overwhelming emotions I do have make me feel like I am drowning, I’m still struggling to handle them.

To dream that a wall of water is coming towards you implies that your emotions are welling up and can potentially close you off to others. 

As for the wall of water that symbolism is a direct nod to me as I am struggling with everything especially my feelings, and when I become emotionally overwhelmed I do tend to shut down and shut people out. It’s something I’ve done for years.

Waves

To dream that you are caught in a tidal wave represents an overwhelming emotional issue that demands your attention. You may have been keeping your feelings and negative emotions bottled up inside for too long. You may be holding back tears that you are afraid to express in your waking life.

This is so on point for me, I have quite a few emotional issues that I haven’t dealt with; the death of my mother, becoming single, my failed marriage and the husband that has emotionally and mentally abused me throughout, unresolved feelings for N and the uncertainty there, and for the first time in 19 years I will be single. I have kept everything bottled up and it’s taken an immense toll on me, I don’t share with the people around me because it’s always been hard, I don’t like to make myself vulnerable to criticism when I am only needing a shoulder to lean on.

On a positive note, the tidal wave symbolizes the clearing away of old habits.

I do hope this is true, I have a few bad habits that have affected me physically that I desperately want to fix.

So if you made it this far thank you, hahaha. All in all I feel like everything is coming to a head and I’m hoping and praying for once the outcome is in my favor. That once I am free of these marriage bonds I can truly breathe and find me. Funny thing is I had dance music playing in the house the other week while he was outside, and he made a comment that all of a sudden all I do is play this music and not the rock and metal I always did. First off metal forever, but I was always into dance music from the 70’s and 80’s since I was a child, and latin music as well. When I was single and lived alone, I would come home and put music on and dance around, the tv would come on way later. I would cook and clean with music and dance my way through. Since him music rarely plays unless he is outside or gone for the day, and yes I still blast my rock and metal, I love it all, well almost all of it.

The Phone Call…..(just a little fantasy in my head)

It was another night spent texting back and forth, but tonight seemed different, he was a bit more frisky with his messages and I had no problem flirting right back at him. I laughed at him when he said I was a tease and I responded I never tease, its always a promise of what’s to come. My phone went silent, and I feared that was the end of our conversation, that I got too bold for his tastes, and then my phone rang.

Hello…

So a promise huh?

I laugh, I have no time for teasing, I wouldn’t waste my time or yours.

Hmmm, that does sound promising.

I roll my eyes, but I’m biting my lip to keep from moaning from the way he talks. His voice is so damn sexy when he lowers his tone. I swear if he was in front of me; I shake my head, nope snap out of it he’s on the phone not in front of you. I take a breath an squeeze my legs together as I feel myself getting wet at the thought of him.

So tell me where you are right now

In bed as always

Thats good, and.…

And what?

Come on Kat go with me, what are you wearing?

Just a t-shirt

That’s it?

Yes, that’s it

I hear him groan and I get a little more excited. I slowly circle my nipple through my t-shirt, both getting harder as I start to pinch and roll my fingers over them.

Are you touching yourself

“yes” I breathe out before I could catch myself. I can feel my face flush even though I’m home alone and he can’t see me.

Good girl, I want you to put me on speaker and take your shirt off,

“Yes Sir” I respond and quickly take my shirt off, I lay back and start stroking from between my breasts to my belly button, barely touching my skin, imaging it was his fingers dancing over my skin,

Are you ready for me?

Yes, I am

Good, I want you to use one hand to tease your nipples, and the other I want you to stroke your pussy, softly, do not enter just soft slow strokes from the outside.

I do as he says and my mind can’t help my wish he was here with me.

Good girl, are you wet for me?

Yes Papi

Fuck, you’re killing me here

I’m sorry

Don’t be sorry I want to hear you cum for me

Yes Papi I want to cum for you, but I need you to come for me too

Don’t you worry, I will now slide one finger between your lips and circle your clit for me, slowly

The torture is too much and I moan

Not yet baby, he says, slowly. I want to savor this, I want to savor you

I do as he says but I need to know what he’s doing, “And where is your hand Sir”

Where would you like it to be?

I wish my hand was wrapped around the head of your cock, slowly squeezing it, rolling the palm of my hand over the head of your cock and then stroking down your shaft and back up again.

Is that what you want me to do?

Yes, I breathe out

Do you wish it was your hand?

God yes, I can’t keep the keening out of my voice

Oh baby, I wish it was. Are you still slowly stroking yourself with one finger?

Yes Papi I am, and I’m so wet.

Good girl, now spread your legs wider for me and I want you to rub your clit for me, I want to hear you cum for me, can you do that for me?

Yes Papi, I can, I want to cum for you.

I hear him groan again and I know he’s stroking in earnest now as I am too.

We moan together and I lower my phone to my pussy so he can hear how wet I am, and I hear him stroke faster.

Fuck baby girl, you sounds so good. I bet you feel so good, I can’t wait to put my cock in you. Would you like that? Would you like Papi to fuck you?

Yes Papi, God I wish you were here, I need you so badly.

Keep stroking harder baby I want to hear you cum.

I’m lost in the ecstacy, imaging his hand covering my pussy while his fingers circle and squeeze my clit, running down to my hole and spreading my juices back over my throbbing clit. I imagine my hand on his cock, stroking teasing while I squeeze his balls.

Cum for me mamacita, cum now

And I explode, my body spasming, my legs squeezing shut over my hand as I cry out. I hear him call for me as he cums and my body trembles even more.

We both lay back, breathing heavy aware of each other’s presence and lack there of. I hear him call to me as I reach back for my phone.

Yes Papi

Next time I want you here with me, understood? He says firmly

Yes Papi, I understand

Good girl, now get some sleep I’ll see you very soon.

Goodnight Papi

Sweet dreams mamacita.

Online dating

So I was inspired by Matt’s blog https://imbrokencom.wordpress.com/ and a bad date he had been on. So Matt you asked for it, and yes you are not alone on this island, I am sure there are many of us.

Many years ago when I first moved onto the island, I had tried meeting Doms to get re-established into a new Dom/sub relationship. I had met one guy, we’ll call him Chris for the sake that I can’t even remember his name. Well Chris and I met a couple of times, and finally tried scening together. Well his attempts at scening was just to become dominant while having sex or try to be dominant. I felt as if he was timid as he was new to the BDSM dynamic and I didn’t want to be too critical. Soon after my move he asked to visit and take me to the movies. He also suggested staying for dinner, as I had spoken about how my friends would miss me and my cooking since I had moved, and he wanted to try it as well. I agreed, happy for just the company as I didn’t have any friends where I lived.

He showed up at my home and we went to a local diner as he was hungry. I had already had lunch earlier in the day, but went and just to not sit there with nothing to do as he ate a hamburger deluxe, I ordered an english muffin and water. When we arrived at the movie theater and he turned to me as we stood online “You got this right? Since I bought us lunch?”

To say I came close to flipping my wig is an understatement. First off he asked me to the movies, and upon his arrival stated he was hungry and wanted to get food knowing I wasn’t hungry. I just glared at him and said sure. He paid for his lunch, all I had an english muffin that cost him what? $3-4?!!!! I paid for our tickets and thrust his at him, we walked inside and I went to the concession stand. He followed behind me and ordered himself a pretzel as I got one as well with a coke. He asked me if I had $2 for him to get the pretzel and I rolled my eyes and practically threw two singles at him. I was so done it’s wasn’t funny and the people standing behind him just looked on in shock. Either way I had my ticket and went inside to get a seat, he followed like a puppy and sat next to me. I could tell he was getting thirsty as the pretzels had a lot of salt on them, but I had wiped mine off and placed my soda on the other side of me so he couldn’t grab for it. I leaned away from him and kept my eyes on the screen, I don’t even remember if the movie was any good; I was in such a bad mood. Look I am not opposed to treating a guy at all, but you asked me out, you didn’t ask if I would pay for the tickets and your snacks too. If it was going to be that kind of date tell me ahead of time, don’t act like you want to take me out to fund your date.

We ended up back at my place, he kept going on and on about being excited to try my cooking. I figured let me just cook and get it over with, when all I wanted was for him to leave. I changed plans on what I was making to do a simple chicken stir fry, as I wasn’t going to waste my culinary skills (as limited as they were) on him. He excused himself to use my bathroom as I was in the kitchen prepping dinner (mind you he just ate a hamburger deluxe and cleaned his plate 2 hours earlier but he was hungry once more). After finishing a very large coke I also needed to relieve myself and went in right after him. OMG.

I backed out of my bathroom immediately waving my hands in my face and exclaiming out loud What the Fuck!

He laugh and said my bad.

My bad! My bad I thought, as there was a window in the bathroom he could have opened. Air freshener right above the toilet he could have used. But now, he blew up my bathroom and it felt like the paint was peeling off the walls the smell was so god awful. I have never smelled anything that bad as I had worked in an animal hospital for years previously and not even death smelled this bad.

I was literally gagging, and he looked at me and shrugged his shoulders. I walked over to my front door, opened it and said get out. His mouth dropped and he just looked stunned. He asked but what about dinner. I told him Fuck dinner, get out. He left and I slammed the door behind him.

Look I understand some people have issues, and medically they can’t help things. But for the love of God open the window!!! Use the spray, ask for matches, warn me! Don’t let me walk into death comes over me. But to laugh and think it’s okay to blow up someone’s one and only bathroom and think it’s ok, gets you 86’d from my life.

And wouldn’t you know it he tried reaching out to me to see me again, but I had him blocked on the site that we met and on my phone as well. I only know he tried because he contacted a fellow sub I was friends with to tell her he was upset that I didn’t want to see him again and would not return his calls. Gratefully he faded off into the background never to be heard from again. I may not remember his name but for the life of me I will never forget that smell.

What I want…

When I reflect back on my life and the time I’ve lost, the things I’ve regretted, I wonder what it was all for. What was I searching for, what was it that I wanted. All this time I thought I wanted love. Love, that basic human need to be loved. To know despite your flaws, the highs and lows, that you were loved. To be accepted, to stand tall and feel loved.

But now I have begun to realize it’s not love that I have wanted all this time, it’s peace. Peace that brings security. I know in that peace there would be love, love from others, but mostly to find love for myself. To look in the mirror and be at peace with who I am, who I’ve become. To accept me as I am and to be at peace with that, and when I found that peace I would find a love for myself and truly love me.

I want the weight that I have carried since I was a young child to fall off my shoulders. To let it go and be able to breathe. To accept my past, for the mistakes I have made and for the things that had been done to me. I know now there is no escaping the past, it will always be a part of who I am. It molded me, shaped me into someone I wasn’t always proud of. It put me into situations that shattered me, bent me, and nearly broke me. All in searching for love. When all along it should have been peace.

In peace I know I can find hope. In peace I will find safety, and yes in finding peace I can find love.

Hi Mom

Hi mom, tomorrow will be 7 years since you were taken away from us. There’s so much I wish I could say, more so I wish so much to see your face, to see you smile and hear your laugh. It doesn’t get easier, these past few months now more than ever. I miss you so much, I miss your guidance and your love. Your crazy plans and your text messages that needed the CIA to crack the code

I couldn’t even think to write this tomorrow, I don’t know if I could. But I think of you every day, I wonder what you would say and how you would feel about what I am doing now. Knowing you you’d be all for it, it’s hard to know you see the truth, all of it, of how it’s really been., the truth of all that hid from everyone. Are you disappointed I didn’t leave sooner?

I pray to you a lot now and I wonder if you hear me. I haven’t seen you in my dreams, I don’t know if it’s because of the darkness that sits in my home, if you can’t or I’m not ready to see you. I need your help more than ever to get through this. I’m scared about how much more I will lose, it seems it’s all that happens now is me losing everything around me.

I’m trying to be strong, I’m trying to be the woman you wanted me to be. I hope when all is said and done you will be proud of me. You were always my strength, my heart. And I feel so lost without you. Dad tries but it’s not the same. He’s so lost and I worry more about him now with his brother slowly dying. We’re all a mess without you.

I hope one day to see you again, to hug you and hold you and tell you how much I love you and wish I never took you being here for granted. I hope you can hear my prayers and know how much you mean to me. Please know you will never be forgotten.

I love you mom, if anything else know I will love you always

Drowning

I’m drowning

In a sea of chaos and despair

I am drowning

The pain

The loss

Is too much to bear

My heart aches as it relives that night

Each detail so vivid

It is not my only pain

The pain in my loss of you

The abscence of you in my world

It reminds me of how truly lonely I am

And yet still the anxiety swirls around me

Pulling me further under darkening seas

I am almost to the point of giving up

I am so tired of fighting to breathe

The air teasing me

With a moment of freedom from the darkness

And then my lungs fill with agony once more

Do I fight

Do I try to keep alive

Do I give in

Do I allow the darkness consume me

And just let go

Time to pull out a poker face

So things were going smoothly in the house since our last conversation, until Monday morning when he went off and I stayed home to keep an eye on my dog and cat. He ended up apologizing but too little too late. So last night I broached the subject of the divorce to talk to him about money, I offered him more and even said I would pay for the one way UHaul rental for him. Now he wants to get the house appraised. He says he just wants to know for himself that he knows I’m not selling and staying in the house. He asked how I will be able to afford it and I told him that he normally gives me $480 towards the mortgage and wth removing my car payment which I will be done after the summer and I am getting rid of cable which totals more than what he gives me. He goes oh. It’s all plausible now. What he doesn’t know is I am refinancing the house to lower the mortgage and my car payment is done with and yes I am getting rid of cable so it’s still tight moneywise but manageable.

My big issue is that if he finds out the actual value of the house now with the market booming I know he’s going to try and come for it. Frankly he doesn’t deserve a penny. He barely helps financially, what he gives me is almost a third of the mortgage even though he promised he would hold up his end if I got the house, and he doesn’t pay for any of the household bills. It was all my money for the down payment (the full 20%) and my money that paid for the floors, the paint, the washer/dryer and the plumbing and electric for the washer/dryer. Even when I had issues with the septic tank I paid the $450, the only thing he chipped in for was paying half for the new gutters. He’s never paid a dime towards medical or any care for my dog, and now the cat. But he feels he’s entitled as he’s earned it?

Earned it?!!! For 13 years we haven’t had sex, he denied me a child and he has emotionally, verbally and a couple of times physically abused me. Earned it?! I’ll burn the house down before I give him a cent more.

So now I have to call my lawyer to discuss a few things and tonight I am going to put a plan in place. I’m going to call his bluff. See he doesn’t work, he has no money. He thinks he’s getting this big fat check and that he’s going to live like a king in Florida as he’s told me already. So now I’m going to call my sister and fake it being a friend and talk freely in the house. I’m going to act like my friend is family to my lawyer and he’s agreed that if he wants to fight that he’ll take the 10K I offered him and draw out the case for months, costing him way more money then he’ll ever see. That he’ll lose his 3 harley’s to make the lawyer fees, I’ll go on to say that this isn’t what I wanted but since her family member the lawyer is wanting to go for the throat I’ll let him since he wants to be difficult and now I will take back wanting to help him in the future if he needs.

Will that work? I have no idea, but he keeps getting advice from his friend who is divorced, but he had a good job and made 6 figures a year, had a half million dollar home and kids with his ex. So he had to pay. We don’t have kids, he’s been abusive (I have recordings of him making threats and cursing and screaming at me. I’m sure I can get my old tenant from the old house to sign an affidavit about the daily abuse I endured. She hates him.

Will any of this work? I don’t know. Is he bluffing to see if I will give him more? Maybe. Will I? NO! 19 years together and all I ever end up doing was paying and paying and paying. No more, either way he doesn’t have money for a lawyer to fight me. He’s under the assumption that my father and uncle will pay the lawyer fees for me, but if I can bluff that the 10K that would be his plus moving expenses the additional 3K will go to my lawyer to fight and he ends up with less than nothing, than maybe I can pull this off. I hope so. I don’t want to move, my dog is 13 1/2 and blind. To move him now would stress him out and it scares me that it would be too much for him, and he realizes this. I think the wanting to know the appraised value of the house is a tactic to squeeze me for more money. At this point I can’t budge because he’ll keep looking for more. He’s lived off of me for far too long, no more.

Missing her

In less than two weeks it’ll be 7 years since I’ve lost my mom. Most days I’m ok but these past several months not having her here is hard. I really miss her and I know I still haven’t dealt with the loss still. With being so secluded so much because of covid and the divorce happening I really feel the absence of her. How much I wish I could call her and talk to her. For her advice, for her encouragement, just to feel her by my side through this and know I’m not alone.

I don’t think I’ll ever accept that she’s gone. What makes it worse was her death was preventable and at times I feel at fault for not advocating for her harder at the hospital feeling afraid of how she’d be treated after leaving because at that point we weren’t allowed to stay overnight with her. Maybe if I pushed her doctors harder they would have found the second blood clot that stopped her heart. That we could have gotten her into the rehab facility and got her mobility back.

Would have, could have, should haves never help anyone but I can’t help it sometimes. I just want her here. I want to see her and hold her. To tell her I love her and have her call my baby girl once more. I know at some point we all lose our parents or someone important in our lives, but it doesn’t make it easier. And on top of this I worry for my dad and his stress levels with caring for his brother who is now dying.

I want so much to talk to N about this but I don’t want to. He’s got so much on his own plate and he’s been reaching out more. I just need to be stronger and handle this on my own. I’m doing my best not to turn to food, to stop picking on my skin and ripping it to make myself bleed. It does feel good to hear from him, sending me a video of himself dancing at work and then FaceTiming me the other night and spending almost an hour together which has happened in a long time.

For now the husband and I are still ok, and on track for the divorce he just wants more money which isn’t fair as I’ve sunk everything into the house and pay 80-85% of the bills. I’m hoping we can come to an agreement soon so I can get him to sign the decree and submit it to the courts.

I guess one day at a time is all I can manage right now.

Finally a breakthrough….

Last week we finally had the talk, I was home sick and had to leave to get on line to get an appt to get covid tested and I told The husband that I really appreciate him trying and being helpful but I am still going through with the divorce. His face changed, it was scary and angry, he told me he was going to fight me. That he was seeing a lawyer and would fight me, I told him ok, and left. Later that morning after getting a text that they were ready for me I left, while sitting in the waiting room he text me that he wanted to talk like adults tonight, I responded with an ok. I come home we kept our distance and I continued working from home. I overheard him on the phone with his friend from Florida, I heard him say that no she’s done.

After we both ate our dinner separately I stopped him before he went back into the bedroom and told him that we still need to talk, I told him I didn’t want to fight, then I explained that just because he signs the paperwork that it didn’t mean that he has to move out right away. I told him I wanted to go over it and make some changes to the paperwork, like not making him leave in 60 days but giving him 4 months. And that clicked in him, he admitted he read the papers I left out and that he saw that and wouldn’t sign them. So we actually spoke. I told him that I take blame in this relationship as well because I gave up, and that I do care for him and that I want to see him be happy. He told me he was moving to Florida and would stay with his friend to work and then look for his own place. We talked for a while and it was good. It was like a weight came off of me and I felt the relief.

Since last Wednesday atmosphere in the whole house is so much lighter. We actually talk and laugh together, we still don’t hang out together but it’s like we’ve become friends. He told me he wants nothing from the house but the new tv i bought for the bedroom. I offered plates, bowls, dishes pots and pans, but no he didn’t want anything. He did say that when it starts to get warmer he wants to fix my front fender before he goes. He’s been telling his family and friends that we are getting divorced, one friend offered to help drive him and hitch a trailer for his bikes. Come early spring we will have a garage sale and sell a lot of tooling that he has double and triplicates of. He has seem to have come to a mindset that this is happening and it really is for the best.

At this point I’m waiting to talk to my lawyer about making a couple of changes, and then we can go to the notary and sign. Once that is done the clock starts its countdown for him to move and for the divorce to be finalized and for me to be free. It’s sad in a way, 19 years together will be gone with a pen stroke. But it’s 19 years too long together, maybe he did love me in his own way but not in the way I needed or deserved. He admitted to me that the year before we were married he couldn’t get it up anymore because of the pills and just decided we wouldn’t have sex anymore. Without talking to me, if he knew then why marry me? He promised me one child how were we going to have that child without sex? All the promises he made broken along the way, my confidence shattered, my self respect gone, my hatred for myself growing daily. No matter if I end up with someone or alone in the future I have to end this for good. He’s not a monster but he’s not a good husband. I am his third marriage and the common denominator is him.

But that is neither here nor there and life goes on. So now with the snow storm here burying us inside I’ll have to wait till wednesday to speak with my lawyer about the changes to move forward. I am hoping to get him to the bank this Saturday and sign the papers and begin the process. I hope the shift of mood holds and he agrees with the dollar amount I am giving him. Fingers and toes crossed.

Oh and PS I’m negative yeah!