It’s been a bit…..

I haven’t felt like writing much, I’ve been exhausted. I haven’t gotten much done inside the house as far as clearing out the bedroom. Right now I am more focused on my boy more than anything. He had another episode this past Saturday, except this time I realized he wasn’t having seizures he’s having a syncope episode. He’s basically fainting because he’s not getting enough oxygen to his heart and he gets lightheaded and faints. The problem is his heart stops and he goes blue, this time I saw it happen I scooped him up before he hit the floor and he went cold. I think I screamed, as I felt his body go rigid then limp in my hands and I just sobbed. What felt like minutes was more than likely 10 seconds and he popped back up. I scooped him up into my arms and just cried and held him to me. I took him to the ER, they wanted to admit him to have an echo on Monday but I didn’t want to wait till then for his heart to be worked up. They called around and found another hospital with cardio on hand to do it. I raced him over and ran him in. The vet at the first hospital told me it was a good call to realize that he had syncope rather than a seizure, for him to have these episodes means his heart could stop for good.

The second hospital took him in immediately and one of my friends met me there and we waited for the doctor to see me. We went over what she wanted to do to work him up and then gave me a form to sign off on, it would either give them permission to perform CPR or DNR him. I stood for a moment, and signed for CPR, I told her if he did go down they were to keep him going and bring me immediately back to him, then I would let him go, but I had to be by his side. I would not let him go in the presence of strangers, no he deserves to have someone he knows and trusts, someone that loves him so much I would gladly give years of my life to have one more good year with him. And there I waited for nearly 6 hours. He was diagnosed with hypertension and they sent me home with meds for him, some people would ask why would I bother, why not put him down. Because it isn’t time, he’s eating, he’s happy and he gets around just fine. He’s in no pain, and he loves his snuggles with me at night in bed. But as I have said the writing is on the wall. I don’t know how much time we have left together, but whatever time we do have I will give him all I have and keep him comfortable and as happy as I can. I will not be one of those clients I used to have that would not let their pets go and they suffered as we did all we could to elongate their lives. I love him too much to allow him to suffer.

So far he’s been ok, I brought him to work for two days and everyone loved having him here. Even if all he did was sleep and fart lol. What surprised me was him wanting to go for a walk. Since he’s started to go blind and deaf, he’s not completely both yet, he stopped wanting to walk anywhere outside of my house and the yard. I took him out on a few quick breaks and he decided he wanted to take a stroll. So I let him, he hasn’t had the energy in a while to do so in a few months. I didn’t allow him to walk far, and when I took lunch I packed him up in his stroller for a walk with the breeze gently caressing his face. He loved it, his nose in the air smelling all the smells and just feeling the sun on our faces.

So every day I wake up thankful he is still with me, and he is still doin as well as he can be for a little old man. I struggle to maintain my tears because I know what will happen I just don’t know when. I remain hopeful that I can get him through the holidays and give him one last hurrah surrounded by my family with so much love and happiness. I’ve done all I can and will do whatever else he needs as long as it doesn’t cause him harm. If you can keep a good thought for him or if you believe in it and can add him to your prayers I would be grateful for it. My friend asked me if I had a bucket list, and I told her not really, because I’ve taken him to so many different places and done so many things with him, I think what he wants now is just mommy and me time. And he will have all he wants when I am not working. I’ve been told he’s lucky to have me as his mom, but I am the lucky one. That is 100% for sure.

Looking for Support Within….

These past few months have been challenging, while life has gotten better in the sense that the ex husband has moved, there are times I feel like laying down and crying. I just want to purge everything, I just don’t know how. I also can’t, right now life is moving along some good, some bad. My heart issues have gotten better but still trying to figure out the right dosage to manage my symptoms. The meds I have been on completely drain me, I barely can stay awake after 3, I had to stop taking the first dose in the morning and instead of twice daily do only once at night. The cardiologist tried arguing with me that no it doesn’t make you feel that way, then conceded to me stating that you know my younger patients it does make feel very tired. I was only saying this for the last 30 min :::face palm:::, but that is the least of my worries. Right now I am wrapped up in my dog, he had a seizure Sunday night and stopped breathing I thought he died in my arms. Thank god he came to and started breathing, he’s been okay since but coincidentally I was planning on bringing him in to be seen because he’s been panting a lot. I keep the AC on still as we are still in Indian Summer, and my vet did a work up. His lungs are clear, they are old but well improved from the pneumonia last November, he may be at the beginning stages of congestive heart failure, and he definitely is in the beginning stages of kidney failure. He is 14 and for his breed he has surpassed his life expectancy, but still it hurts. So for now I have another workup scheduled for him, I told her lets just do what he needs to manage and retain quality of life. I want him comfortable, until it’s time.

I bring him up because I realize once again I am going to face all this alone, and I just continue to feel like I face the biggest hurts in my life alone. Yes we all do, but I’m tired. I’m tired of facing things head on without anyone to lean on. I will not ask my best friend, her husband is battling stage 4 cancer and my sister has her own shit to deal with. I’d rather not bother anyone, yet I wish I had one person to lean on for a moment, to just be held and told I am not alone. That’s all I ever wanted. I’ve always managed on my own, even when married, I had no choice. Yes I know I’m strong enough to stand on my own, I’ve proven that to myself over and over, but I just want to remember what it is like to feel safe, to lean into someone and know if I needed them they would be there. I realize that’s not my lot in life, and I can get through this, I always do. It’s not easy but it is what it is. I get told over and over how strong I am, yet I feel so weak. I feel tired. I want to wake up and not cringe at what the day holds for me lol.

My sister and I spoke the other night and we talked about how our mom instilled in us to not need a man, to make our own money and be able to take care of ourselves. I think we both have proven that. I am proud of myself and how far I’ve come on my own. Even under stress and threat I stood on my own to face whatever it was. I don’t know if I’ll ever have that person in my life, I don’t know if I want it either. I love my space and what I’m slowly making it to be, the plans I have. I am my own best company even though I get lonely at time. I love cooking for someone, I haven’t had someone to snuggle up to on the couch to watch a movie, or laugh with. At the same time I crave my space. As I told my sister I wouldn’t mind in the future being involved with someone who had their own place, we can share our space together yet have our own space to decompress in alone. I love being social but I also love my quiet time.

For now I am focused on my basement flooding issues, yay :(, that’s going to cost a small fortune. I’m focused on my boy’s care and entertaining the kitten whose not a kitten anymore. I’m learning to deal with my anxiety of being in the house alone at night, it’s a lot better. And my new focus is starting the bedroom purge and remodel. I’m looking forward to that. Maybe I’ll share pics of the disastrous before and after lol. I just need to reaffirm to myself I am worth the struggle and I can stand on my own. I can do this.

Warrior

She stood in the dark

Gathering her courage

A lone tear running down her cheek

She took a breath in and looked up into the eyes of one she once knew

The eyes that now belonged to someone she didn’t know

Gone was the girl who was wrapped in the chaos and pain of another

No longer was there fear staring back at her

The dark eyes lit with a fire of determination

She took another breath in and greeted the warrior that stared back at her

She knew in that moment she would be ok

The nights might be lonelier

The bed a little colder

But now she was on her own, on her own terms

With each day she would overcome each demon that came

She would gather her scars and create a shield around her

No longer the footstool to another

She is finding her worth

As she found an inner strength she never knew she had

Taking one more breath and she held her head high

And acknowledged that battle scarred warrior within

It was her who held her together in the worst of times

The one who took each hit she bore

Looking back in the mirror, my reflection staring back at me

I’ve come to realize

That warrior is me

Backsliding….

Things have been pretty steady so far, I haven’t started on the bedroom rehab yet and I haven’t attacked the bathroom vanity yet, but the yard looks great and I am tending to my veggie and herb garden with care. I’m still very tired, more so today even though I took yesterday off. I hosted my annual bbq, but due to covid and my brother and his wife working only my dad and sister and she came with her new beau. That worked out to be much better as we were more relaxed and enjoyed the day. It was a good time and I’m so happy I went through with it anyway, even though we had a hiccup with the grill at first everything else went smoothly. We laughed about how quickly I adjusted to single life, which is true. I don’t miss him, and I haven’t skipped a beat. The only real obstacle is getting over my anxiety of being home alone at night. It could be why I am so tired because I am not sleeping as well. I woke up at 3:30 this morning due to a bad dream and then walked around the house to make sure everything was buttoned up tight, watched tv and eventually went back to sleep. I think it’s going to be some time before I conquer this feeling, and no the title does not mean I want him back, that would be a hard no.

I was supposed to go to New Hampshire this weekend for my friend’s house warming but I have decided not to go. I know I should go and get away for a bit but in truth with my dog being older and everything wearing him out I am afraid to stress him out with a 6-7 hour drive. Then on top of it be in a house filled with people that he has never been to, being blind will confuse him and make it harder with all the chaos. It may seem petty but I also got bumped from the guest room to the living room for someone else who is staying at their house. I don’t care for sleeping in other people’s homes, and if I do I really need my privacy to relax and sleep. A living room doesn’t cut it, not after that drive and leaves too much room for my boy to pace and have issues in. I will still be taking the days off, but this time I’m going to start on the bedroom. Frankly that is more important, especially with me feeling antisocial right now, I think I want my own space, peace and solitude. There will be plenty of weekends to go visit, a party with people I don’t know other than the hosts is not my ideal weekend. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep or not feeling fully settled at night in my house that is making me feel this way. Either way for me and my boy it is the right choice.

The other issue is that N has been on my mind. I thought I had put the idea of him and I to rest and moved on but it seems I haven’t gotten completely there yet. I do miss our talks and the flirting. I mostly miss our talks, we laughed a lot and I really enjoyed his stories. I really miss when he would tell me “good girl”. it would be for various reasons ranging from doing something he asked me to do, to calming me down if I was upset. The way he would say it would wash over me like a warm wave. It had been so long since someone could affect me in any way like this and I miss it. I hate that I miss that and that I miss him. But that time is over between us and I have to move forward since he couldn’t move forward with me. I do hope that in the near future I meet someone to spend time with and enjoy doing things with, I don’t want a full fledge relationship, not yet, I need time to still breathe on my own, but I do hope that whoever he is can speak to that submissive side of me. It’s something I’ve held dormant for years being with the ex that I’m ready to start exploring that side of me again, all in baby steps.

As the saying goes, one day at a time, one day at a time.

Month One….

Life while tiring, it’s really good, it’s been a month since he moved and each day I am more secure in knowing I made the right choice. I come home take care of my fur kids and just relax and enjoy the peace. I can listen to music or watch tv without being interrupted, no fights or feeling on edge. I am still anxious at night, so I am going to start shotgun shopping once I’m back from New Hampshire. I know it’s just me, but I would feel better being armed at home. It’s not going to take a genius to realize that I live alone, I do my best to keep the house looking active especially at night, I guess it’s everyone’s fear to be caught unawares when living alone. I have to figure out the costs for an alarm system, it’s nice to have but the shotgun is a faster fix.

Any how, I’m just exhausted all the time. I am dragging my ass to clean out the vanity and organize it. The bedroom looks daunting, but I no longer feel like a trespasser in it. I think the new heart meds are making me feel tired. I do wake up with no issues, even on my days off, but I’m just tired. My girlfriend commented that I looked tired, and I do. I try and go to sleep early but the new meds I take twice a day, of course now that I shipped back the 30 day heart monitor my heart rate has been acting up, the meds make me feel drowsy. I’m going to call the cardiologist and let him know I’m cutting back to once a day and only at night. Hopefully this helps. I really want to attack the bedroom after my trip next weekend.

Not much going on, I have a few short stories in my head I’ve been trying to tie down to write but then the fog of tiredness takes over. I’m not in a big rush, one step at a time to do it right the first time around. Once I accomplish that then I’ll feel more open to do more or let my friends push me to go out and start enjoying being single again. I don’t even know where to begin or how to meet anyone, I really don’t want to do online dating. I hope it’ll just happen naturally. I don’t want a relationship, not yet. I just would like companionship, someone to go out with, hang and watch tv with, laugh and enjoy time with. I still want my space and peace and solitude, I just got that back, I’m not ready to part with it yet. Though I would like to hand in my born again virgin card lol. What?!!!! It’s been almost 14 years, I’m not old not yet anyway lol.

Settling in…..

It’s almost a month since he finally moved to Florida, I was nervous that he was going to try and come back to NY. But he’s staying (thank the Good Lord) and he’s staying at his sister’s until he finds a place. He got a part-time job, good for him, but like I said before he should have done while we were together. As I told my sister how the hell was I using him when he paid for almost nothing?! It’s obvious now to him (I hope) that he lived off of me, which would not had been as bad if he had been a better husband and human being to me. But either way I am settling into my single life in my home and it feels good.

I should have had the bathroom done this weekend but I messed up my hand pretty good mowing the front and back yard. The back patio was cleaned and I bought a real grill cover that he would never let me buy as he used ripped up tarps to cover it. The yard looked so good, I can’t wait to hang the outdoor lights under the awning. I woke up with it swollen and bruised. It hurt like hell and I couldn’t bend it, so I took it easy Sunday and Monday.

Though Sunday my bestie came over for brunch. I cooked while she made mimosas, we finished a bottle of Prosecco and 2 bottles of Champagne, and only one container of OJ. She makes damn good mimosas lol. We had a blast chilling, drinking and eating. I had music playing and my house felt warm and inviting, there was no heavy cloud hanging over it. She even remarked the same. We broke in my brand new dishes, yes I am excited about that because since I moved out on my own 25 years ago I never had a brand new set, I always had second hand given to me from someone who bought a new set. It felt good to see my food on my new dishes. It’s the little things I swear.

She’s also leaving her husband, our situations are the same and yet different. She has a bigger age gap with her husband and he went from helping in the home to doing absolutely nothing. Like me, she became a caretaker and not a wife. He controlled a lot of what she did, and while he did have moments of flash backs from his PTSD (he’s a Vietnam Vet) even she said unlike myself wasn’t under constant threat from harm. He never touched her, thankfully. She’s excited for her move to SC, her ex is making all these plans for the both of them, it makes me happy to see her so happy even though a part of me is really sad she’s moving.

All in all it’s been a good weekend, and I see a better life ahead for me. I see my home slowly shaping up into what I want it to be, it’s exciting. There are a lot of things that need to be done, and it will take time and money so slow and steady is the plan. I’m hosting my annual BBQ next weekend, my dad is excited to come and be there without him. I can’t wait to show off my gardening skills because I am sure no one thought I could do it all. I have a cabinet in the garage waiting to be rehabbed that I bought second hand, and then I tackle the bedroom. I was going to give away a lot that he left behind but supposedly he’s selling one of his bikes to buy a truck and then he’s heading up to pick up his dresser and tool chest. I figured I’ll put everything in the garage so I have him purged from my room. I cannot wait to have a new bed and freshly painted walls. Better yet I can’t wait to redo my floors in the house. All the things I wanted to do but he wouldn’t allow, or better yet I knew he would ruin because he didn’t pay for it.

My only issue other than working with my dog to become acclimated to being home alone, is sleeping at night. I don’t know why I am so unnerved and anxious. I will get up and check the house a couple of times with my phone in hand. I don’t know where this is all coming from? Maybe it’s just that I’m so used to having lived with someone for 20 years, even though I had so much anxiety living with him, going to sleep at night has been a challenge. I got some CBD gummies to help, and they do help some but some nights I feel like they make me more anxious while it’s relaxing me. I know no one is in the house, I lock it up and check everything, it’s a small house with no where to really hide when it’s searched thoroughly. It’s just me, I just have to work through it, I’m sure in time I will feel safe. That would be really nice that after all these years I can feel safe in my own home. Maybe even more so once I pick out my shotgun and get my pistol permit lol. I’ll be one packing momma, I doubt I’ll use my pistol but the sound of a racking shotgun and some birdshot is a great deterrent without killing someone. LOL I know I’m bad but hey, my life or theirs and I choose mine. When I was at Lowes returning my deadbolt because it didn’t come with the anti pick shield as in the picture online, this guy condescendingly asked if I was a locksmith and laughed, I said no I just want a few extra minutes to make sure I have the shotgun is fully loaded to take aim. He turned his head and stepped back in line. Oh well.

Other than that I am enjoying life, it’s quiet and I feel the tension less and less, which is good because I was diagnosed last week with TMJ. I’m following Doc’s orders and feeling better hopefully I wont have to do anymore than what I am doing now. I’m fully recovered from Covid, and now the skies the limit. I’m looking forward to the city this weekend, even though it will be September 11th, I am getting a haircut to help keep moving forward with my own refresh and run a few errands I need to do while there. There’s a symbolism to cutting one’s hair after ending a relationship and carrying around the baggage in your hair. Since it’s just past my lower back it’s time, well overdue. I can’t wait to take the weight off and feel free. I’m just so proud of myself, moving forward, no looking back. I feel stronger, freer, not as emotional anymore. My sister did tell me she felt like I would get past him quick, my dad is happy about it too. I purged him and mourned the marriage a few weeks before he left. And now it’s like I stepped into my own. I can’t wait to see where life brings me next.

Checking in…

Not much has been going on, I’m fully recovered from Covid and I’ve been back to work full time since last week. It’s been hot as hell in NY but I’ve been keeping busy. I am 80% done with my bathroom cleanup and purge. I painted the inside of the bathroom closet and laid out contact paper on the shelves. That was no easy feat, it’s very narrow and just over 2 feet deep. But it’s done and the containers keep everything neat and organized. I ordered a couple of shelving organizer for the vanity (my OCD is on overdrive making sure everything is clean and in its place).

I busted my ass yesterday in the yard. I mowed the back yard, pulled weeds, cleaned the fence of all the overhang of shot from the neighbors yard, and trimmed out the vegetable garden. I was outside for just over 4 hours nonstop. Then I completed the closet while cooking dinner. I changed my locks and proceeded to lock myself out of the house. Thankfully my next door neighbor and his son pulled out my A.C. and climbed inside. We then secured my A.C. units to make sure no one else can. Tomorrow I’m going back to work to make copies and give them a set just in case hahaha.

I do feel good about everything, the bathroom looks so good, I painted the whole room as well and the last thing to do is repaint the vanity and purge him from that as well. Then I can start on the bedroom. I have so many plans, I am bringing someone in to get estimates for new floors. So I may do that before I actually but the new bed but my air mattress is killing me.

I feel proud of myself, I knew I could do these things but he kept me holding me back. Would always criticize everything, but now I’m free to do whatever I want how, I want, when I want. it feels so good. He did call me last night to say hi and talk. It looks like he is staying in Florida (thank God), I think his sister is going to help him find a new place and he even applied for jobs at three different places. He wouldn’t do that here to help me but now he has to. It was nice to talk to him because he’s not screaming or playing the victim, he ended up texting me later last night to tell me that he misses me and always will. I responded saying that I do care about him and that I want him to take care of himself and hope we can stay in contact. I in no way miss him. My neighbor and I were talking and even he said I don’t know how you did it, how he would hear him from across the yard screaming in the garage blaming me for something and I wasn’t even home. Even he said you never went in the garage. So no I don’t miss him and no I didn’t say it back. He is suppose to drive back to pick up his tool boxes, I’m not sure when but probably after he finds a place.

Either way I feel good about my decision to divorce him. I feel good in my house and I can see where I’m headed in revamping my house to make it my Home. I still get unnerved at night being in here alone and can’t sleep with all the lights off yet. I’m heading into the city in a couple of weeks to chop off my hair, just another way to cleanse out all the bad. And then prepare for my annual bbq here and then my trip to New Hampshire which I can’t wait for.

So many changes, so many opportunities, and peace. Life can only get better from here. It’ll be hard physically, and scary financially but I feel good that I am doing this. I’m getting stronger every day, emotionally, mentally and physically. I have such a good outlook on life now and the possibilities that are out there for me.

Hurricane Henri

I have to admit I was nervous about waiting out the storm on my own. I prepped the yard put a lot away into the garage, and brought the herbs plants in they are nice and tucked away in the spare room. I couldn’t sleep so I decided to make ice and get the cooler from the garage just in case I lost power and couldn’t get in. I checked the covering over the basement door and tucked myself back inside to make banana bread. I only slept a couple of hours on and off worried about the hurricane.

I am happy to say that by the time Henri showed up it became a tropical storm, being where I am on the Island it was going to be a direct hit, which is scary. I had my clothes ready to go, collar on the cat and his carrier by my bed in the living room. My boy sleeps right next to me so he’s an easy grab and run to the car.

But I am happy to report all is well. Just lots of rain, I’m still praying I don’t lose power. Right now the kids are content Monster shared some eggs with me and Oliver has some dried anchovy treat he’s playing with. I will take advantage of a quiet Sunday to relax, watch some Netflix and enjoy the peace.

Week one…..

It’s been one full week since he’s been gone, I woke up the day after he left and I felt ok. I lounged around and tended the garden, watched TV and hung with the pooch. He had text me that he hated his friend’s house that it was filthy and that he was giving him issues on Sunday about all his boxes. I shrugged to myself and suggested that he ask his sister to hold onto some of his stuff. I took care of me, I scrubbed down the bathroom and mowed the lawn, I was proud of myself. I ordered garden shears and gloves and did a full fence clean up of branches and weeds growing through it and carted it all off. It really did something for my confidence to not need a man to do yard work, shoveling snow is going to be a bitch but that’s ok I’ll get that done too. He had text me again he wasn’t feeling well, I told him to go see a doctor. He asked about the pooch and cat and I told him they were good, and that was true, with the peace settling over the house they both seemed relaxed. I sent him a pic of the yard I just did and no response. He probably didn’t like the fact that I showed him I could do it.

I was home all week on quarantine, I worked from home and just took it easy. I cleaned out the bathroom closet, now I need to get contact paper for the shelves and paint to paint the bathroom. I threw out all his stuff in there and took out the towels he destroyed, those can be used for my car when I wash it. I have one more area left and that’s the bathroom vanity, I’ll clean it and get some pins and drawers in there to keep everything organized. It feels so good to see the bathroom clean, the medicine cabinet and closet organized as well. As the days have gone by I have realized I don’t miss him. I can breathe. My sister told me I met feel better faster once he’s gone because of all he’s put me through, and she was right. I didn’t expect to feel this good already, trust me I’m happy about it. Friday must have purged me of everything, the pain, the fear, the lost years and yes even the love I once had for him. I know 100% I made the right choice.

He did text me again finally saying that he missed me but I did not respond. He tells me he misses the pooch and cat and then me. It should have been me first. But no he’ll never do that, I was always last. But it doesn’t matter now. He’s now at his sister’s house. He’s on antibiotics saying he has pneumonia, I can’t believe him because he’s always lied and made things to be out worse to get sympathy. He went on to say how he can’t live with Richie it’s filthy, the dogs never stop barking and that Richie is a grump (I laughed out loud at that considering the source). He tells me how he’s going to lose everything, the sad fact is he already did, me. But once again he only cares about himself and his stuff. I have my freedom, my safety and most of all my fur babies and my home.

I’m back at work freshly sprung from quarantine, I was supposed to go to the boat party in the city tonight but between not wanting to desert my pooch and being I don’t want to be responsible if anyone else gets sick (even thought it wouldn’t have been from me) I can’t risk it. So I have a bottle of rose chilling in my fridge, I’ll make myself a nice dinner, rent a movie and spend a quiet night at home. There will be many more nights I will have the chance to go out and have fun, I’m going to have to break in those Louboutin’s and the new outfit I bought for tonight. It was supposed to be my coming out party, the going joke at work is that I got Covid and woke up divorced. The boys are disappointed I’m not going but another day another time, right now I just want to breathe.

The First Day….

So surprisingly I slept. I was exhausted, emotionally, mentally and physically. Covid symptoms are pretty much nonexistent except for the cough (which I’ve had for months so not sure if that can be associated with it) and fatigue. To top off yesterday my uncle passed away, and it’s upsetting to not have been there to say goodbye and be there for my dad. He has gone above and beyond taking care of him and doing everything for him these past couple of years. We knew his time was coming but I had hoped he would hang on till I was out of quarantine to see him one last time.

I did a little cleaning yesterday not much and decided that I have time to do it all later. I’m not going to be pushing myself I will tackle one small project as everything is overwhelming. My bedroom will be the biggest project, he left a lot of stuff all over and things I have to pack up and ship to him. I have to remove the mattress, box spring and head board and throw it out. His dresser will be cleaned and placed in the garage until I can sell it. It’s an antique piece that has seen better days but is still in nice condition. Maybe I’ll keep it and rehab it or not. I have to scrub down the walls and floor to remove the nicotine and paint. After all that I will bring my clothes in from the spare bedroom closet and start organizing that. I’ve already picked out a new bed, just need to choose a new mattress and then officially move back into my bedroom. I haven’t slept in the room since December 2019.

I’ll be honest it’s hard to be in that room right now, it hurts to know it’s over and done with. I can’t be in there for too long. It could also be that since I moved out of it I’m never in there longer than to grab some clothes and leave. It hasn’t been my room in a long while though it’s my house. I look at his stuff on the bed and it bothers me. I was always so nervous about being in the room for too long so I wouldn’t get blamed for touching or stealing anything. That’s sad, it really is sad that feel uncomfortable in my own home. It’s going to take me some time to reacclimate, and make it mine. Today my goal is clean the bathroom. I cleaned the medicine cabinet, threw out the stuff he left and rearranged my stuff in it. I will tackle the bathroom closet next to make it functional for me. The key to getting comfortable in my own home is reclaiming it by removing him and making it truly all mine.

There’s a lot to do in the whole house, but one small project at a time until I can tackle and afford the big ones. I’m figuring the bathroom will take me today and tomorrow, I have bins I need to get to help organize for good but in the meantime cleaning out all the stuff that is not needed and rearranging will give me an idea of what I need to get.

He text me this morning that he misses home, that his friend’s house is filthy. The text from him that he didn’t want to go when he was on the plane and this morning hurt me. It almost softened me up to telling him to come home, but then I sat with it and realized he didn’t say he wanted to come home to me, he didn’t miss me. He misses the house, having his space and freedom to do what he wants. The fear of starting over without having me here to financial support him. It’s hard to admit that, but I have to read what he is actually saying. I know I made the right choice, it’s a hard choice but the right choice. As my friend Soraya has said the right choice is the hardest path. I know Monster my dog misses him, he’s looked for him, and I have to get him onto a schedule because he was able to go out several times a day even when he didn’t have to go outside to potty. I’m home till Friday next week on quarantine, after that I’m back to work fulltime and he has to get used to being alone at home. This would have been easier for him if this one had actually worked and not played all day in the garage,

For now today is day one, I have to stay strong and move forward. Small steps, baby steps it doesn’t matter. As long as I move forward. I’m sure I will still have moments of missing him, but as I realized last night I kept waiting for him to stomp down the hallway, bang in through the back door yelling and cursing about me or some paranoia. It’s going to take time to decompress from all that, but I will get there.