I didn’t get much sleep after speaking to N. I am beyond mortified by what happened. And frankly I am embarrassed by how emotional I have been. I’ve been through years of abuse being married and yet this man has completely undone me. I spent the day at my sister’s yesterday, she was having a brunch at her house with friends to help another friend sell a hair products line. It was a lot of fun. It was nice to be around people who like to laugh and are generally good people. My sister is a lot more discerning when it comes to people than I am. It’s why I always get burned, I give people chances, and get burned for it. I have a hard time not being there for people when they need someone, because I know what it is like to not have anyone when you need them. I’ve known this group of girls since my sister was in middle school and they are like family. I am the official unofficial big sister, but it’s hard to not have a good time with them either.
The day was good, and after cleaning up my sister and I went to grab dinner. I told her what happened. She was shocked. Like me we tend to be very private, and we don’t like people getting involved in personal matters unless they are already a part of it. She doesn’t know Carol, Carol was in another high school in my town but we met through mutual friends. She was always the life of the party but always getting herself into the worst predicaments. I always felt she made this image of herself as the forever party girl to have people like her, she didn’t know who her father was and her mom had her own issues and checked out on her. Carol was the type of girl who soaked up attention from anyone who would give it to her. And a lot of the time it was from the wrong people. She had been in and out of a lot of relationships but it wasn’t until I saw her with a black eye that I got involved more with her.
I’ve always had an issue with people picking on those weaker, I hate bullies. I was never a part of a clique in high school, but I was friends with all the groups. Freshmen funny enough wanted to know me because I had a no nonsense reputation in school as if you thought you could push someone around whether I knew them or not I wouldn’t allow it. Shit I called the police because I heard a woman screaming you’re hurting me one night while her boyfriend was beating her, I can’t stand by and not do something. It always brings me back to my childhood, being pushed around by my older sister, being made fun of and picked on at home, my brother using me as a punching bag and hitting me with his nunchucks. And then later on in life when I cried for help over the hours Michael beat and raped me repeatedly. Knowing what it was like needing someone to step in when I couldn’t defend myself, or even in the aftermath. But I never did. You would think it made me stronger, always fighting for myself, but now I see it may have done more harm than good.
So back to Carol. She had gotten herself into more than one spot that she needed help out of, but the worst was when she called crying one night because her boyfriend she was living with beat her. Of course I ran down to her, i grabbed her bag and packed her clothes, she couldn’t stay with me I was still living at home, but I would drive her to her cousin’s in CT. Her boyfriend came home while I was pulling her clothes out, it was one of the first times I thought I would die, he pulled his gun and pointed it at me. Seeing her crying crouched in the corner triggered me, I stood up to him I don’t remember exactly what was said between us but I know I was all in his face with a gun pointing at me. He must have thought I was insane because he told me to get her out and never come back. I didn’t need to be told twice. After she settled in CT I didn’t hear much from her. She moved around a lot, and I was fine with it. Too much drama for me even back in my early 20’s.
So with quarantine last year seems like I heard from quite a few people, one being N and the other Carol. It wasn’t until N started disappearing did Carol become more prominent. She was shifting between staying in CT to being back in NY. I made the mistake one night of confiding in her about him. And I shouldn’t have, maybe she had some twisted idea of trying to repay me for being there for her on and off all these years, but she crossed a line, it’s not even that, it’s she lied to me. When she took my phone to call our friend, she knew what she was doing, I’m not a big drinker, even though I have been drinking a lot lately, but it’s no more than a glass or two. She was back in NY and I wanted to not think of him and just have fun, and had way too much to drink. Not only did she invade my privacy and took his number, she contacted him. Her trying to help me out was her cursing him out. How did that help anyone? If I had hoped in the future to N and I to be friends again it’s not happening now. She not only did this but she lied to me and for 2 months! If she could have told me right away what he had done I would have contacted him sooner to make amends. But for 2 months he probably thought I was some crazy bitch giving his number out for him to be harrassed. How do you erase that? You can’t. You can’t undo that kind of damage.
I’ve spent my life doing my best to keep things to myself, to keep my life as drama free as possible or at the least the hide it from the world. What happened in my home was no one’s business. No one ever came knocking down my door to help me when he was screaming and threatening me. Only once did I reach out for help was the night he woke up screaming he would shoot me for taking his bottle of pills; which were found later behind a drawer in his dresser all accounted for. I think I only called for help because of my dog, if he decided in his rage and paranoia to actually shoot me I didn’t want him in harms way. And now when I’m finally going to be free of him and the hell he brings into my life I brought in someone who irrevocably did damage I cannot repair.
There will never be enough apologies to make up for the crap I brought into his life. Just because he accepted my apologies doesn’t mean he will ever forgive me. And now I feel like I’m being punished for someone else’s actions. But it doesn’t matter, I trusted her like an idiot and I confided in her. All because I thought it was safe to do so, because she didn’t know him or anyone he knew, she had no access to him, there was no way I thought for him to be touched by me confiding in someone about how I was feeling. I thought at least with her not having access to him or anyone else in my life she was safe to talk to. I was wrong, god I was so wrong. I made this mess and now I have to live with not just knowing that but knowing we’ll never speak again, and I did this. My sister said it’s not my fault, and maybe it’s not but I’ll still be punished for it be being forever shut out.