I haven’t felt like writing much, I’ve been exhausted. I haven’t gotten much done inside the house as far as clearing out the bedroom. Right now I am more focused on my boy more than anything. He had another episode this past Saturday, except this time I realized he wasn’t having seizures he’s having a syncope episode. He’s basically fainting because he’s not getting enough oxygen to his heart and he gets lightheaded and faints. The problem is his heart stops and he goes blue, this time I saw it happen I scooped him up before he hit the floor and he went cold. I think I screamed, as I felt his body go rigid then limp in my hands and I just sobbed. What felt like minutes was more than likely 10 seconds and he popped back up. I scooped him up into my arms and just cried and held him to me. I took him to the ER, they wanted to admit him to have an echo on Monday but I didn’t want to wait till then for his heart to be worked up. They called around and found another hospital with cardio on hand to do it. I raced him over and ran him in. The vet at the first hospital told me it was a good call to realize that he had syncope rather than a seizure, for him to have these episodes means his heart could stop for good.
The second hospital took him in immediately and one of my friends met me there and we waited for the doctor to see me. We went over what she wanted to do to work him up and then gave me a form to sign off on, it would either give them permission to perform CPR or DNR him. I stood for a moment, and signed for CPR, I told her if he did go down they were to keep him going and bring me immediately back to him, then I would let him go, but I had to be by his side. I would not let him go in the presence of strangers, no he deserves to have someone he knows and trusts, someone that loves him so much I would gladly give years of my life to have one more good year with him. And there I waited for nearly 6 hours. He was diagnosed with hypertension and they sent me home with meds for him, some people would ask why would I bother, why not put him down. Because it isn’t time, he’s eating, he’s happy and he gets around just fine. He’s in no pain, and he loves his snuggles with me at night in bed. But as I have said the writing is on the wall. I don’t know how much time we have left together, but whatever time we do have I will give him all I have and keep him comfortable and as happy as I can. I will not be one of those clients I used to have that would not let their pets go and they suffered as we did all we could to elongate their lives. I love him too much to allow him to suffer.
So far he’s been ok, I brought him to work for two days and everyone loved having him here. Even if all he did was sleep and fart lol. What surprised me was him wanting to go for a walk. Since he’s started to go blind and deaf, he’s not completely both yet, he stopped wanting to walk anywhere outside of my house and the yard. I took him out on a few quick breaks and he decided he wanted to take a stroll. So I let him, he hasn’t had the energy in a while to do so in a few months. I didn’t allow him to walk far, and when I took lunch I packed him up in his stroller for a walk with the breeze gently caressing his face. He loved it, his nose in the air smelling all the smells and just feeling the sun on our faces.
So every day I wake up thankful he is still with me, and he is still doin as well as he can be for a little old man. I struggle to maintain my tears because I know what will happen I just don’t know when. I remain hopeful that I can get him through the holidays and give him one last hurrah surrounded by my family with so much love and happiness. I’ve done all I can and will do whatever else he needs as long as it doesn’t cause him harm. If you can keep a good thought for him or if you believe in it and can add him to your prayers I would be grateful for it. My friend asked me if I had a bucket list, and I told her not really, because I’ve taken him to so many different places and done so many things with him, I think what he wants now is just mommy and me time. And he will have all he wants when I am not working. I’ve been told he’s lucky to have me as his mom, but I am the lucky one. That is 100% for sure.