Needless to say things have been a bit all over the place. N and I are still not talking like we used to. And I accidentally deleted our entire text message thread from my phone. Thankfully I have my old phone that has everything up until September. I don’t know why I care so much about it but I do. It almost felt like I was losing him more. This month I’ve been overly sensitive, between our lack of communication to having to attend a wake for an old friend the day of my mom’s birthday. I’m also anxiously awaiting my property tax refund check so I can finally get to the lawyer to start the divorce. And that has me on edge too,between how he’ll take it and what will happen, what I might lose and how I will manage after.
With N, a part of me feels like he’s pulled away because I am coming to that moment of filing, and I can’t shake the feeling that he’s giving me space to make up my own mind without influence, that maybe he thinks that I’m doing this because of him though I’ve told him countless times I’ve been planning this well before we started talking again. And it’s not like we’ve said anything about there being an us after I divorce. Another part of me feels like he doesn’t believe I will get divorced and he’s cutting ties with me because why should he wait to be proven right that I am staying with my husband, which is not happening I’m done 100%. I know he’s been having family issues, he had opened up to me about a situation a while ago and he had cut ties with that family member, but now he’s trying for the sake of family to reconnect and see if they can fix things. I completely understand that situation as I have been through it with my older sister over and over and a cousin. I did my best to comfort him and he seemed to really appreciate it.
But still we barely talk. So Friday came and when I say I was a hot mess I wasn’t exaggerating. My body was vibrating, not shaking, but vibrating from the inside. It was unnerving and I knew it had to do with everything I was dealing with. I’m excited and happy to finally feel solid in my decision to divorce, but I also miss my mom and wish like crazy she was here with me to lean on and talk to, to feeling exhausted dealing with a friend that emotionally depletes me and on top of it all feeling so estranged from N. I didn’t know what to do with myself and I couldn’t calm the feeling down. So I reached out and asked to talk, that I needed his advice because he doesn’t sugar coat things and is honest with me. Nothing. I saw he read the message and nothing. My heart sank, and after 20 min I messaged again telling him I was sorry I bothered him I just needed a friend to talk to. He responded to give him a few, but I told him never mind I know he’s busy.
I went back to work and to say I was deflated is an understatement. He called while I was at my desk and I told him to never mind it’s fine. He tried to get me to talk and I said it’s ok I’ll figure it out and that I couldn’t talk now because I was back in the office. He kept pushing and I had to walk outside to finish speaking. I didn’t want to get into it because I didn’t want to be at my desk for the remainder of the day being emotionally in front of everyone. We talked a bit and he told me what’s been going on with him, I told him I didn’t want to bother him and to forget it, be told me I didn’t bother him at all. Which I countered, I told him it feels like when I text or call I’m annoying you, that I don’t get a response and it feels that way. He insisted he wasn’t annoyed or bothered by me, he went on to clarify did I ever say anything to say so much as you were, I told him no but your silence feels like it does. He again insisted not and that he’s just dealing with family drama and his medical issues, and then he said he would call later and we would talk. I told him ok, but I didn’t believe him. It felt good to hear his voice but I didn’t hold much hope. But he did call, on my way home. He joked with me and I couldn’t stop shaking inside and it got so bad my brain couldn’t process much. He didn’t bring up anything but said he would call later so we could talk, that he was getting ready to eat and told me to get home safe. So I waited and waited. By 2:30 AM I was exhausted emotionally and mentally, I sent him a message telling him I wasn’t being a chick as he teased me earlier about for being emotional and that I just really needed a friend.
Within a minute he started calling. I didn’t answer, he hung up and called again. This time I answered. He said hey, what’s going on. I told him it’s ok it’s late he should go to bed it didn’t matter. He lowered his voice in that way that pulls on my heart and he said talk to me, your friend is here. I told him no, it’s ok forget it. But he repeated, talk to me your friend is here, what’s going on. By this point chaos was reigning in my head and heart and I pretty much told him I’m just dealing with too much at once and basically it didn’t matter anymore. He insisted I talk, his voice was low and soothing not a trace of anger or annoyance. He said pick one, pick one thing in my head that’s troubling me the most. I picked my mom, I told him I don’t know why her birthday really affected me so much, and then I had to stop talking I didn’t want to burst into tears with him on the phone, even though I was already crying.
He told me he needed me to repeat some words, to take a breath and repeat after him. He wanted me to talk to her, and I told him I do all the time, and that I’ve been praying so much lately for help to get through things. So he insisted again that I repeat the words he was going to say. Step by step he spoke and I repeated back what he said:
I miss you,
I love you always,
love your little girl.
It took time through each section to say. He encouraged me, he pushed me to say it, told me to breathe, to wipe the tears because he could hear me crying at this point. Then he made me say it again after him line for line first him then me, when I got to I miss you, I cracked hard and had to cover my mouth to hold back my sobs. He shhhh’d me not in the way we would normally goof off but in a way that if you were holding someone who was crying and you would shhhh them to comfort, then he called me a name he hasn’t used in a long time, iKaterina, and had me say it again, I miss you, this time with the name ringing in my head I say it, he tells me say it again but to make him feel it and when I do but this time I realize when I say it, it’s not for my mom it’s for him. He doesn’t know that but I did and it shook me, and my heart felt ripped open even more. We say the words line by line, him speaking each line with me repeating after. My heart was breaking, for missing my mom and for him. I wanted so much to tell him those words weren’t just for her but him too, but he had me say it one more time and told me good girl. With that I literally felt a weight shift from off my chest. I just sat in my bed and the vibrations from earlier finally lessening.
We talked more, or more or less he spoke more, he said he knows how I feel. That guys hurt too and I have to learn to release some of it and then close off the faucet so to say so it doesn’t build up so much by letting it out but not allowing too much at once. I try and explain that I having been trying to help another friend who had been leaning on me so much and he stopped me and told me and where is she? And he’s right I knew I couldn’t lean on her because she doesn’t know what I’m feeling she can’t relate with my marriage or the loss of my mom. He told me I needed to take care of myself right now and to give myself a hug. Instead I laid back down and wrapped my arms around my bunched blanket and just let the tears fall. We said good night and that he would call the next day. Which of course he didn’t again. We did text a bit and joked like we used to but no call and I didn’t call either. yesterday I did message him that I hoped he got home safe from work and that it had not been too crazy. He messaged back later after he got home that it was ok, they were short staffed but ok. I text back saying I had hoped he at least was able to eat, he did respond but I didn’t see it till this morning. I had taken a sleeping pill because I was afraid I would be awake staring at my phone all night. I have not messaged him again and I’m doing my best not to.
I can’t help but feel like when I told him I felt like I was bothering him and he was insisting that I wasn’t that he liked that. I don’t know why, does he need assurance I want him? My friend told me I need to tell him what I want from him, but I don’t feel in a position to say anything. My other friend who knows him, I had called last week and almost broke down. I didn’t tell her who it was but that I had gotten attached to someone when I shouldn’t because of my situation. She went on to say that I couldn’t ask for someone to wait and I told her I know and I haven’t that it was him who pursued me that constantly called and text daily, yes flirted and even he had made the plans for us to get together for a drink and I told her how he said the museum would be our first date. Then she asked his name and I couldn’t say. She came out and asked if it was N, my mouth hit the floor. I didn’t even tell her we had been talking daily or much at all. My friend has a gift so to say, and she told me that he’s very respectful that he’s not going to want to come in between my marriage even though he knows its over, that he wont cross a line so long as I am married. And then she said he’d wait for me. And again I go back to, is he pulling away because he doesn’t think I will get divorced. Or is he pulling back because the possibility that I am and that we could be together can become a reality and it freaks him out.
I don’t know and I wont know till I file fo the divorce. Because I’m too chicken to say anything. To risk never having him talk to me. Too scared that all of this is in my head and he doesn’t have feelings.
So am I a hot mess? Dear God I am and then some.