One hot mess…

Needless to say things have been a bit all over the place. N and I are still not talking like we used to. And I accidentally deleted our entire text message thread from my phone. Thankfully I have my old phone that has everything up until September. I don’t know why I care so much about it but I do. It almost felt like I was losing him more. This month I’ve been overly sensitive, between our lack of communication to having to attend a wake for an old friend the day of my mom’s birthday. I’m also anxiously awaiting my property tax refund check so I can finally get to the lawyer to start the divorce. And that has me on edge too,between how he’ll take it and what will happen, what I might lose and how I will manage after.

With N, a part of me feels like he’s pulled away because I am coming to that moment of filing, and I can’t shake the feeling that he’s giving me space to make up my own mind without influence, that maybe he thinks that I’m doing this because of him though I’ve told him countless times I’ve been planning this well before we started talking again. And it’s not like we’ve said anything about there being an us after I divorce. Another part of me feels like he doesn’t believe I will get divorced and he’s cutting ties with me because why should he wait to be proven right that I am staying with my husband, which is not happening I’m done 100%. I know he’s been having family issues, he had opened up to me about a situation a while ago and he had cut ties with that family member, but now he’s trying for the sake of family to reconnect and see if they can fix things. I completely understand that situation as I have been through it with my older sister over and over and a cousin. I did my best to comfort him and he seemed to really appreciate it.

But still we barely talk. So Friday came and when I say I was a hot mess I wasn’t exaggerating. My body was vibrating, not shaking, but vibrating from the inside. It was unnerving and I knew it had to do with everything I was dealing with. I’m excited and happy to finally feel solid in my decision to divorce, but I also miss my mom and wish like crazy she was here with me to lean on and talk to, to feeling exhausted dealing with a friend that emotionally depletes me and on top of it all feeling so estranged from N. I didn’t know what to do with myself and I couldn’t calm the feeling down. So I reached out and asked to talk, that I needed his advice because he doesn’t sugar coat things and is honest with me. Nothing. I saw he read the message and nothing. My heart sank, and after 20 min I messaged again telling him I was sorry I bothered him I just needed a friend to talk to. He responded to give him a few, but I told him never mind I know he’s busy.

I went back to work and to say I was deflated is an understatement. He called while I was at my desk and I told him to never mind it’s fine. He tried to get me to talk and I said it’s ok I’ll figure it out and that I couldn’t talk now because I was back in the office. He kept pushing and I had to walk outside to finish speaking. I didn’t want to get into it because I didn’t want to be at my desk for the remainder of the day being emotionally in front of everyone. We talked a bit and he told me what’s been going on with him, I told him I didn’t want to bother him and to forget it, be told me I didn’t bother him at all. Which I countered, I told him it feels like when I text or call I’m annoying you, that I don’t get a response and it feels that way. He insisted he wasn’t annoyed or bothered by me, he went on to clarify did I ever say anything to say so much as you were, I told him no but your silence feels like it does. He again insisted not and that he’s just dealing with family drama and his medical issues, and then he said he would call later and we would talk. I told him ok, but I didn’t believe him. It felt good to hear his voice but I didn’t hold much hope. But he did call, on my way home. He joked with me and I couldn’t stop shaking inside and it got so bad my brain couldn’t process much. He didn’t bring up anything but said he would call later so we could talk, that he was getting ready to eat and told me to get home safe. So I waited and waited. By 2:30 AM I was exhausted emotionally and mentally, I sent him a message telling him I wasn’t being a chick as he teased me earlier about for being emotional and that I just really needed a friend.

Within a minute he started calling. I didn’t answer, he hung up and called again. This time I answered. He said hey, what’s going on. I told him it’s ok it’s late he should go to bed it didn’t matter. He lowered his voice in that way that pulls on my heart and he said talk to me, your friend is here. I told him no, it’s ok forget it. But he repeated, talk to me your friend is here, what’s going on. By this point chaos was reigning in my head and heart and I pretty much told him I’m just dealing with too much at once and basically it didn’t matter anymore. He insisted I talk, his voice was low and soothing not a trace of anger or annoyance. He said pick one, pick one thing in my head that’s troubling me the most. I picked my mom, I told him I don’t know why her birthday really affected me so much, and then I had to stop talking I didn’t want to burst into tears with him on the phone, even though I was already crying.

He told me he needed me to repeat some words, to take a breath and repeat after him. He wanted me to talk to her, and I told him I do all the time, and that I’ve been praying so much lately for help to get through things. So he insisted again that I repeat the words he was going to say. Step by step he spoke and I repeated back what he said:

Hi mom,

I miss you,

I love you always,

love your little girl.

It took time through each section to say. He encouraged me, he pushed me to say it, told me to breathe, to wipe the tears because he could hear me crying at this point. Then he made me say it again after him line for line first him then me, when I got to I miss you, I cracked hard and had to cover my mouth to hold back my sobs. He shhhh’d me not in the way we would normally goof off but in a way that if you were holding someone who was crying and you would shhhh them to comfort, then he called me a name he hasn’t used in a long time, iKaterina, and had me say it again, I miss you, this time with the name ringing in my head I say it, he tells me say it again but to make him feel it and when I do but this time I realize when I say it, it’s not for my mom it’s for him. He doesn’t know that but I did and it shook me, and my heart felt ripped open even more. We say the words line by line, him speaking each line with me repeating after. My heart was breaking, for missing my mom and for him. I wanted so much to tell him those words weren’t just for her but him too, but he had me say it one more time and told me good girl. With that I literally felt a weight shift from off my chest. I just sat in my bed and the vibrations from earlier finally lessening.

We talked more, or more or less he spoke more, he said he knows how I feel. That guys hurt too and I have to learn to release some of it and then close off the faucet so to say so it doesn’t build up so much by letting it out but not allowing too much at once. I try and explain that I having been trying to help another friend who had been leaning on me so much and he stopped me and told me and where is she? And he’s right I knew I couldn’t lean on her because she doesn’t know what I’m feeling she can’t relate with my marriage or the loss of my mom. He told me I needed to take care of myself right now and to give myself a hug. Instead I laid back down and wrapped my arms around my bunched blanket and just let the tears fall. We said good night and that he would call the next day. Which of course he didn’t again. We did text a bit and joked like we used to but no call and I didn’t call either. yesterday I did message him that I hoped he got home safe from work and that it had not been too crazy. He messaged back later after he got home that it was ok, they were short staffed but ok. I text back saying I had hoped he at least was able to eat, he did respond but I didn’t see it till this morning. I had taken a sleeping pill because I was afraid I would be awake staring at my phone all night. I have not messaged him again and I’m doing my best not to.

I can’t help but feel like when I told him I felt like I was bothering him and he was insisting that I wasn’t that he liked that. I don’t know why, does he need assurance I want him? My friend told me I need to tell him what I want from him, but I don’t feel in a position to say anything. My other friend who knows him, I had called last week and almost broke down. I didn’t tell her who it was but that I had gotten attached to someone when I shouldn’t because of my situation. She went on to say that I couldn’t ask for someone to wait and I told her I know and I haven’t that it was him who pursued me that constantly called and text daily, yes flirted and even he had made the plans for us to get together for a drink and I told her how he said the museum would be our first date. Then she asked his name and I couldn’t say. She came out and asked if it was N, my mouth hit the floor. I didn’t even tell her we had been talking daily or much at all. My friend has a gift so to say, and she told me that he’s very respectful that he’s not going to want to come in between my marriage even though he knows its over, that he wont cross a line so long as I am married. And then she said he’d wait for me. And again I go back to, is he pulling away because he doesn’t think I will get divorced. Or is he pulling back because the possibility that I am and that we could be together can become a reality and it freaks him out.

I don’t know and I wont know till I file fo the divorce. Because I’m too chicken to say anything. To risk never having him talk to me. Too scared that all of this is in my head and he doesn’t have feelings.

So am I a hot mess? Dear God I am and then some.

Posted in life, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Unexpected

It took me by surprise

These feelings I have for you

I never expected to feel this way

Not ever

Not even with you

But you came into my life

Unassuming

Embedding yourself into my world

A little more each day

Till my days began and ended with you

I didn’t expect how I would feel when I almost lost you

That pain brought me to my knees

I couldn’t breathe

I cried so hard that I couldn’t make a sound

But then you came back to me

And I thought it was because you realized you needed me

As I had come to need you

I often wondered what your intentions were

That somehow I had fallen for you

But now it seems just as we had gotten closer

You up and pulled away again

And now I’ve come to see the signs of your fear

Your fear of getting lost in this

Fear I will never be free for you

So I wait

I try to ease your mind with each time you reach for me

To show you I am here

Never faltering

Building your trust in me once more

To know that one day

Someday

I will be forever yours

Posted in life, poetry, relationships, short stories, thoughts, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A Game

Was this just a game

Did I read all the signs wrong

All this time was I just filling in till somone new came in

The nights we shared

The long talks and laughs

I opened myself

Made myself vulnerable before you

To only be left asking myself why

Why did things change

Or did they change at all

Was it me

Did I do something wrong

Or did I assume it was more than it ever really was

Was I here to boost your confidence

To perfect your moves for another

How did I get it wrong

I tried my best to play along

But I read the signs all wrong

A part of a game I never signed up to play

Set up to lose

Left standing out in the rain

I read the signs

But my heart never stood a chance

Posted in life, poetry, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

My Soul

My heart is filled with so much pain

I want so much to let it bleed

To tear it all out of me

Tired of this ache I carry within me

Tired of being alone

Of being left behind

Of being shown what could be

And then realizing it never will be

I didn’t realize till now

This repetitive loop we live in

Circling our souls

From one life to the next

Never truly connecting, no matter how hard I try

The agony continues to grow inside of me

Stopping my heart with each sob I release

Hoping it never restarts

To free me from chasing a ghost of my past

Doomed to pay for a crime not my own

I cannot endure another loss

Knowing we came so close this time

I do not want to go another lifetime without you

To not know your touch

To not feel your kiss

To never know the life we should have shared

I’d rather leave this life behind

Never to return in another

For my soul is tired

I pray it will let me leave in peace

For my soul is tired

Please let it sleep

My soul is tired

Posted in fantasy, life, poetry, relationships, short stories, thoughts, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Risk

How in one moment did it all change

It was all consuming

Your attention

Your time

I never felt happier than in those moments we shared

Afraid I still opened my damaged heart

Not realizing in trusting you

I gave more than I was prepared for

And at that moment

I didn’t give it a second thought

You walked through those open doors

And took up residency in my halls

For once in a very long time

There was a light inside of me,

A place that was like home with you here

And then one day it changed

No warning to heed

The vacancy sign hung on its door

And I was once more left alone

I began to question every word

Every gesture

Every moment that was shared

Did I imagine it all

I wondered if I had done something wrong

I caved and bared my soul

I risked hurting even more

You reassured me nothing was wrong

Yet all I am left is empty halls to roam alone

Wondering if my friend ever cared for me at all

Posted in life, poetry, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dying for His Lies

  •      
    More I cried
    It didn’t matter the lies
    My soul only wanted more
    Beaten and neglected
    It wanted to stay
    Tired of the loneliness and pain
    I knew they were all lies
    But it was too late for me
    Trapped inside the web you spun
    A victim for you to have your fun
    I don’t care I cried
    Just one more night I beg and plead
    Weak and downtrodden
    I crawl before you
    A beast leashed to your side
    Meek and small
    I bear the lashes that you dole
    But I no longer care for me
    For it’s just flesh splayed out for your use
    I shake my head please give me more
    Just one touch, one more song
    I cried so long
    It didn’t matter the lies
    So long as I believed that love was there
    Pathetic and shallow
    My tears ran forever
    With each stroke you laughed
    How much fun you had
    The pain you gave was minuscule I said
    For just one moment to believe in what we had
    I would die for one more lie
Posted in fantasy, life, poetry, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Friday ramblings….

So I have to say it’s been a rough week. Finding an old poem I wrote but never shared was kind of a predictor for the week itself. N and I haven’t really spoke much, actually the last time we were on the phone was Monday night. We barely text, it was as if to me he didn’t want to talk to me. I had sent a message but no response. Needless to say I felt lost, I felt forgotten. I started thinking all of the things I could have said or done wrong that made him not want to speak to me. By yesterday I was pretty heart broken, he had messaged me but it was brief and to share a picture. Nothing else, nothing more and still no call. I was besides myself. I had messaged him asking if everything was ok, I mean come on since July he’s called me all day every day and messaged me all day every day and now nothing. So yes full panic mode. He responded to my message saying all ok, been busy. Still wasn’t good enough for me.

So here I am this morning having slept maybe 3-4 hours total in three nights, and I have to swallow my pride and reach out. I can keep assuming and yes it could be at a risk of ruining things by being needy, but I couldn’t hold out anymore. I tried to write a message which I ended up removing from messenger twice and then tried a voice message which I removed because I felt like it sounded pathetic. Well I’ll admit it, I’m being pathetic. So I waited to see him active on FB so I knew he was awake, then I waited several more minutes and sent him a text asking him if he had time today could we talk.

A couple of minutes passed by, and it felt like an eternity and he texts me. But I’m not doing this over text and after not answer his question on what’s going on and he tells me he will be running errands today, I text him that when he has time later I have a question to ask him, that I don’t want to do it over text. A couple of minutes go by and he calls. I step outside my office not to be overheard, especially if I end up breaking down. He asks me what’s wrong is everything ok? So I go right into it.

I ask him if I’ve done something to make him not want to talk to me, that I feel like I did something. He assures me I haven’t, he goes on to say you thought I didn’t want to talk to you, I tell him it feels that way and I felt like I did something I lost my friend.

My voice breaks when I say that, I don’t cry but I’m sure he heard it. He reassures me I did nothing and that he’s been really busy. He teases me asking me if I’m going emo on him, and ok you’re being a chick, to which he laughs and I know he’s doing it to make me laugh. We talk and he tells me everything he’s been dealing with and that he was in a bad headspace and when he gets that way he shuts down and shuts everyone out. I told him I understood, and he realizes that going from all to nothing without a heads up would throw me off.

We talk for a good 20 min and I head back inside. A little bit later I get a text…

Wuss

I’m no wuss

Yes you are

how I am a wuss

Cause N has spoken and said it so

oh no we talk in the third person

still not a wuss

why because I missed my friend?

Cause you were shy to ask me

Duh. Wuss

Didn’t I ask you?

Shoulda texted

Either way

Wuss

You have to un wuss now

No wussing out would have been texting you

Ppfft

(In your voice) I just didn’t have time to text

LOL no you didn’t have time to respond

Hence phone call and speak

(I know you’re busy)

pppffffft

Wuss

Well you were, you said so

Wuss

So I’m a wuss because I missed my friend and I thought it it was my fault and I and I was sad about I, and because said friend told me they were busy so I asked for some time to talk, but ok I’m a wuss

We text a bit more, but that was it, along with a couple of messages through fb messenger. I talked with my sister and I do feel better. One I didn’t lose him and two, he’s not dumb, so he has to realize that I do have feelings for him. I do know when he teases me like he did in the texts after we spoke that everything is ok. Somehow at some point we do need to spend time in person. We need to be in each other’s presence to see how it is, not just on the phone or via texts. In the next couple of months things are going to become very trying, once I start the divorce process, it would be nice to have my friend there to cheer me up, and for him to realize it’s actually happening and I’m not just bs’ing. As I told my sister, he’s not the reason for the divorce, this was in my plans well before he came back into my life, but he is my prize at the end of it all. I hope.

Now hopefully we’ll actually get time to talk tonight and I’ll get some sleep. Oh and as a side note he hasn’t been sleeping well either. He doesn’t sleep well but he woke up in a bad way this morning, maybe someone else has withdrawal but doesn’t realize it. Ha I wish it was him too and not just me.

Posted in life, relationships, short stories, thoughts, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Lost

I want to get lost

Where no one knows me

Where I can hide

A place where my demons can never find me

To lose myself

To end the pain

To stop the doubt

To keep from ruining all that is good

I want to disappear

Erase my memories

Perhaps start anew

To have another chance

To be happy

To be loved

To matter

Anything to make the bleeding end

To finally fix myself

Or fade into the obscurity

Away from the disappointments

From disappointing you

I pray to a God who never hears me

I cry for an embrace that can never be

For the friends I thought we were

For the person I once believed I was meant to be

I wish I could be lost and never found

Unless I was found by you

Posted in life, poetry, thoughts, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dreaming

I hate when I dream of you

It’s never good

It’s always about you not being here

That you’ve forgotten me

That you’ve moved on

As if I’ve never existed

But I always remember

I remember the laughs

I remember how I would light up inside and the butterflies in my belly would take flight

And now all I feel is the emptiness

The ache inside

Growing

Consuming

And I could do nothing

But fade away

Till I never truly existed

All that’s left is my memory of you

Knowing you were there

And I am left for eternity with the pain of missing you

Posted in poetry, short stories, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Forgotten

How is it that every time I let my guard down it causes me pain

To think you could just walk away so easily

To turn your back with barely a wave goodbye

I didn’t realize the pain it would cause

The crushing weight

The tears that would fall

It wasn’t him that ripped out my heart it was only you

Abandoned and left behind

Barely a thought

Not worth the time

Forgotten and replaced

Always a reminder of how worthless I truly am

Never good enough

Never enough

Never worth the time

This is me

This is who I am

This is what I am

Too tired to fight

Knowing I would never win

Unworthy of the effort

The truth was set in front of me once more

My lot in life

For those to take what they can

To discard the rest

There are not enough tears to cover these wounds

My lesson to never be forget is how easily I can be forgotten

Posted in life, poetry, thoughts, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments