I can’t keep up with how many rounds we have had, forget about from the length of time we’ve been together, but just over the divorce. Things have been quiet and he’s been extra nice, I tried talking to him on Sunday but he said if it’s what I think it is don’t, not today, please don’t ruin my day. So I left it alone and walked away. Last night when I came home I tried speaking to him, I reiterated the money offer in cash with extra for moving expenses. He flipped out. He went on about wanting to force me sell, he outright told me that if he had to move out he didn’t want me to end up with the house. I had told him I wanted to stay in the house (um I put down the full 20% down payment and pay 2/3rds of the mortgage and 90% of the household bills), not just for myself but my dog is 13 1/2 and blind. He hasn’t adjusted well to losing his sight and hearing and moving him would be extremely stressful and push him over the edge. Not to mention it’s extremely difficult to rent with a cat and a dog.
So needless to say we ended up in an argument, him yelling and me holding it together to just speak and be rational and break down the numbers for him. Letting him know what I’m giving puts him ahead and being vindictive only gives me 90% of the payout and he’d end up with less than 4k to move out of state. He said he didn’t care but I told him ok.
He kept going on and on, I was literally shaking inside. I was angry and scared. Angry because he threatened to come after everything I worked for, nothing he earned. He’s done nothing but give me grief and tears, this is all proof that he never loved me, he saw a sucker who could make his life easier. He’s lied, stolen, accused, intimidated, and abused me mentally and emotionally and yes a couple of times physically. In all his yelling I told him to keep it going because I was recording him (this time I wasn’t but I have been more and more to have proof of his abuse), he tried to tell me I threaten him with coming at him by yelling I told him no, I only yell to talk over you because you’re always screaming and threatening me. He called me a crazy bitch (and here is where I know he’s bluffing) he told me he had me recorded cutting my wrists. He’s like you cut your wrists you crazy bitch, I laughed at him and said oh yeah sure you have me recorded.
I did many years ago cut my wrist. We had gotten into another argument, once again about intimacy and he said something so awful it cut me to the core. I picked up a paring knife and made several cuts across my wrist, they were shallow but enough to bleed. I wasn’t trying to kill myself, if I was I know it’s one deep slice up the forearm to do the job. I had been at that point ripping open the skin on my back and upper arms due to emotional distress, and when I bleed it soothes me. That’s how much pain he has caused me, that I have to redirect my pain to something physical to remove it emotionally. I ended up with 37 stitches and lied that I fell into metal and shredded my wrist. I know the doctor in the ER didn’t believe me, but she didn’t question me either, the way I had sliced myself it was ragged and not in a straight line at all. Every time I look at my wrist it’s a reminder of the pain he’s caused me and how weak I’ve been in not leaving sooner.
But that’s neither here nor though and it bares no weight in anything. We go back and forth for a bit with him yelling and me remaining calm. A lot of the things he was spouting I know was not coming from a attorney, he’s getting advice from friends and it’s bad advice. We ended it with him yelling fine just give me the money and I’ll leave I want out. He said a few more things that if it was a couple of years ago would have been hurtful but now his words mean nothing. I feel like a lot of what he had to say in coming after the house and my money was a bluff, he doesn’t have money for an attorney. He can’t take me to court because he also can’t afford the state and federal government to know he’s been married with a working spouse collecting benefits he would only get if he was single. I know a lot of it is because he’s angry. I’m taking his security away and he’ll have to fend for himself and he’s scared. So knowing he has a lot more to lose I think he’s backed off, I pray.
He called me at work today, and we spoke again. I told him I called my attorney to make the changes so we could sign and he said ok. I expressed that this is how we protect him, that his last two marriages they took everything and left him with nothing. Not that I blame them knowing now who he really is. He understood or so he says, and he’s ok, supposedly. He said he is going to miss my cat and dog, I told him this is why I wanted to stay in the house for our dog’s sake and he agreed. I played it up and told him not ending things nasty keeps us talking and I would send pictures and videos of them to him. That once I’m more on my feet if he needed me I would be in a position to be able to help him, that I don’t hate him and yes I no longer love him but I do care, which is why I’m trying to go the route I am so he ends up with something instead of nothing. Not backing down from my offer probably made him think I can’t go any higher because there is no more to give to him.
To be honest I don’t care anymore about him, I’m buying my way out of the marriage. I want to be free of him and be happy. I told him that I feel 6 months from now he’ll be riding his bikes in Florida and he’ll be happy and realize he doesn’t have to shovel snow again and he laughed. I also told him that our mutual friends are not going to stop being his friend, while my two best friends want me to be rid of him, they don’t necessarily hate him. And I don’t want them to either, this is my fight not theirs.
I’m hoping to hear from my lawyer tonight to pick up the revised documents, I want to get him to a notary asap before he changes his mind again. I just have to remain calm and call his bluffs, stay in the know of the law to put in his face and be confident. That is what is shaking him I believe. And that’s where I need to keep him to signing.
I need a drink already,