Ramblings on a rainy night

I just finished watching a Netflix documentary called You are not alone, it was following a 3 year trial of a woman who was raped by 5 men who dubbed themselves the Wolfpack. It completely sickened me to see how in Spain they were treating her in the courts as if she enjoyed what happened to her, and not trying it as rape but sexual abuse. I won’t give away what happens in case you want to watch it, but I will say that seeing people not just there but all over Europe rise up and protest on her behalf and for other women was amazing. What troubles me is that still today women are still not believed when this happens to them, and this also happens to men too and for them it can be even harder for them to come forward as a man to say they were sexually assaulted.

I am not going to say that men going through this is any less than women, but for this post I am going to focus just on women because as a woman I have first hand experience and I cannot speak on a man’s experience with what he may have gone through.

Yes we have had the #metoo movement, but I will be the first to admit that while that has helped it has also hurt us. Hurt us in the way that there are some that claim harassment/abuse/assault/rape that didn’t happen. That angers me, because when it’s proven it didn’t happen it makes it harder for those of us who have been violated to come out and look for help and justice. I feel more needs to be done at home to teach our kids to respect boundaries, to teach them in schools and not just the kids but counselors and those first responders who come in contact with victims in how to handle situations. To have more resources to help those affected by this, not just the victims but the families so they also know how to navigate the waters. My family tried to corner me and basically hunt me down when they found out through my friend I was raped and I went and hid at my best friends house and refused to see them for over a month.

There is so much that needs to be done, but as I watched this documentary what kept angering me more and more was the thought of how women are always targeted for being weaker. To be pushed upon and discarded at will. We are expected to be submissive in many cultures still, I live here in the US and yet I have to stay aggressive at my job as I work with men daily. Any sign of weakness and I can be shoved aside. As of right now I have the respect of the men in my department to where I can give orders even though I’m not their manager, to the point there may be an opportunity to create a management position for me in the department. As a man I wouldn’t have had to fight and push as hard as I had to get to this point; and at no point can I not let off the pedal.

As a woman, I have to look over my shoulder when walking alone. I have to be careful who I meet and talk to. Just to give you an example, I happen to start chatting with a guy on facebook he messaged me and we kept talking. He asked if we could keep chatting and I said yes but I let it be known I wasn’t interested in more than just chatting. Well he kept trying to ask what I looked like, to the point like he was interviewing me to see if I was a fit for him. When he asked me if I was okay with him asking questions I told him it’s okay to get to know me but some of the questions made me feel like he was more concerned with what I looked like. Hence, do you work out, your body type, height, etc. He got offended. I told him, I just don’t want to send mixed signals and want to make sure we are on the same page, he had proclaimed a few times he was such a respectful guy and here he went saying hey lady you must be so ugly not wanting to share what you look like. Just because someone wants to talk to you doesn’t mean they’re interested in you. I told him flat out, wow and you claim to be respectful by calling me ugly, I just wanted to make sure I didn’t get accused of misleading you but you have a good day and I blocked him.

This is why I don’t have my picture on my profile on facebook if you’re my friend you know what I look like, I don’t need unwanted attention. I’m no supermodel but I’m no slouch either. Guess I bruised his ego by making sure to remind him that I wasn’t interested in dating him, now if he had responded to me and said no I understand and I don’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable and we kept talking who knows what that could have led to. But again, this isn’t the first time I’ve met someone in person or online, made my intentions clear and they get mad because they want what they want. I’m sure there are men who have had to deal with women who have gone completely psycho stalking them too, but as a woman it makes me less inclined to want to go out and meet anyone new. It’s scary out there.

Do I want to be alone forever? No. Do I want to get married again? Not really. But I would love to have companionship and intimacy again. But the aggression I keep seeing from men is disturbing, and it seems social media and apps are the best way to meet people which I am not comfortable with. I’m going to stick to my tried and true way and just hope that luck places someone in my path and it’s someone good. Until then I do me and take care of my life and my home. I have travel plans and home renovations coming up. I’m in no rush for a headache to deal with someone’s ego.

Again I know this isn’t all men, and we’ve come so far from where society used to be. I’m just tired of worrying to double check my windows and doors before going to bed. Not being able to go out on my own especially at night, nor hike alone on local trails for fear of becoming a statistic. It would be great if one day we all looked out for each other, men and women, and made sure kids were also kept safe. So guys and yes you women too, next time you feel like you’re getting rejected don’t get angry, they might be doing you a favor, smile and move on. And if you have kids teach them to do better, the only Wolfpack they need to be a part of is the one that protects the weak not ones that prey upon the weak.

Finding my mojo

Disturbed @ Jones Beach LI

Talk about finding your groove, while I was disappointed in my sister and coworker backing out, I was able to sell my sister’s ticket to my neighbor’s daughter. We all had a kick ass time. I’m on day 3 of almost no voice; lol that’s how you can it was an epic show. The night before my company threw a boat party on the south shore. We had a 4 hour cruise filled with drinks food and lots of dancing. I’m spent and now I have 7 more days to recover before I fly to Chicago to see the bands and do it all over again minus the boat party.

I’m trying to juggle a lot right now. I was supposed to head to New Hampshire at the end of September but I just got my surgery date to repair a 36 cm hiatal hernia. I am so ready to have it done with, it’s been causing me a lot of problems and I just want to get it over with. The bonus will be not being able to eat for a couple of weeks so I get my quick diet on before my cousins black tie wedding in October. I want to look my best, I’ll be going single and there will be plenty of dance partners to be had.

Speaking of being single, it’s been 2 years since my divorce was finalized. It’s time to just get my toes wet and enjoy myself. Right now I just want to travel, be spontaneous and have fun. If all goes well, I’ll be in SC to visit my best friend before the end of the year, and if things go even better I’ll be in Italy 🇮🇹 next year. Fingers crossed.

For now I’m still working on my house a little at a time. Trying new hobbies and learning how to breathe. That’s the most important thing is breathing. I know I will have my ups and downs in how I feel but that’s life and I will take it day by day. Right now, I’m just so excited for chi town and seeing friends and having a great time.

Abandonment

So I was talking to my therapist and I’ve come to realize that I have really bad abandonment issues. It seems all my life along the way no matter what I do I’m always left behind. People make plans or promises to come through and never do. I guess you can say this started back to my childhood, my dad always left us to run to his mother’s house or see his mistress. All the plans we made and in one phone call he was walking out the door. I never realized the impact it’s had on me until now. It could be a change in plans from big things to little things, it really hurts and I can’t understand why I allow it to hurt. I’ve tightened up my circle even more since the divorce. I don’t trust as easily anymore, I doubt people’s intentions. Just when I let down my guard, wham! I’m left behind again.

Even when they have a legitimate reason for bailing it still bothers me. Let’s take my sister for instance. We got tickets to a concert months ago, I have been so excited to bring her to see my favorite band, I have been looking forward to this for months. Last week she calls me and asks me to watch her dog because she’s going to Italy. I remind her that we had tickets and she was like oh damn yeah. Well it’s a chance to go to Italy or see the show, of course it’s a no brainer that she’s going to Italy. I want her to go. When might she get the chance again, and she’s been wanting to go for so long. I’m not mad at her or upset at her at all, but I can’t shake the feeling of being left behind again. It’s dumb, I even told her I would choose italy over the show. So why does it bother me?

I have a friend at work that listens to the same music and I asked him if he wanted the ticket, he jumped on it. So great problem solved, he said he wouldn’t be able to go if he had to go on the road for work, but this week he’s in and would be able to come. Today he tells me he’s not sure. I don’t mean to feel slighted but I do. This is the same friend that calls when he’s upset from work or his girl and needs to talk. I’m there, I help cover for him at work and we have fun. But once again it’s like no one takes into account that you accepted an invite then become iffy to where I have to pull the invitation to see if I can sell the ticket to someone else. I just feel like no one ever considers how I feel when you make plans to cancel on me.

I’ve been looking back over and over, wondering why now I’ve started closing myself off to people, why I no longer take them at their word. And it’s not like it happens all the time, it’s just when it’s something that means something to me and now am no longer excited for Saturday’s show. I need this show too, I’ve been to shows since Monster has passed and nothing has gotten me out of my funk. This is the band I’ve always gotten myself lost in, now I’m dreading it.

My therapist asked why I close myself off, and I told her people always let me down. I don’t want to hold onto hope, I don’t want to be that crazy insecure person and hold onto someone so tight because I feel them pulling away. Case in point Nestor. He pulled away and would bounce back and forth, then I told him I needed space and time from him. I could see what was happening and I needed to protect myself. He didn’t like it and pulled me back in only to do it all over again. And when I unfortunately freaked out on him it ended everything. We would have at least been friends today if he gave me the space I asked for and needed. But he reeled me back in, only thinking of himself. And then cut me loose. Just like John, used me for attention to make themselves feel better, then when they get what they wanted they walk away. They all abandoned me. They all come running when they need something, because no one makes them feel better than me, then I’m left out in the cold.

It hurts and I’m tired. I don’t deserve it, I didn’t earn to be treated this way. And yet it happens over and over. I know I’ll get over this latest disappointment. I’ll put my walls up to this friend now too, and my world has gotten smaller again. Things have been good, I’ve been stronger, working on myself and what I need. I just hate these setbacks, it brings back all the memories of the people that mattered to me who only ended up abandoning me. For now I’ll just process how I feel and move forward, tomorrow is another day I have to focus on the next steps for my health. I’m gearing up to have surgery, my hiatal hernia has gotten a lot bigger and now I have to have the surgical repair. I’m nervous to have it done because I know how badly south it can go, my best friend has it have her original surgery undone and repaired. But I will also feel relief in having it fixed.

One step at a time. My one and only focus is to continue to take care of my physical and mental health for myself. I’m proud of how I have been taking on projects in my home. A lot of people doubted me but I’m doing it. I have a lot still to do but I’ll get there.

Painful

Who knew becoming an adult would be so painful

Always worrying about the consequences of decisions being made

The loss of time we thought we had so much of

The pain in seeing the world and people for who they really are

The constant go we are on, not a moment to spare, the deadlines to be met

We thought as kids, how we couldn’t wait to become an adult, no more school, no chores to do, no one telling us what to do

How wrong we were, bosses to answer to, significant others to consider, children demanding

We pictured our lives filled with all the material things we wished we could have as kids, all the things our parents wouldn’t let us have

Only to realize the mortgage/rent, the utilities and medical bills needed to be paid

The magical vacations and endless summer days we never worried about, because our parents had it all in hand

Now our days are filled with endless tasks, from work to home, to the inbetween

All the hobbies and fun we had planned fade off into the background, our responsibilities always pressing on our minds

The long-life childhood friends, who move away, their time taken by the families they have begun to create, and our world becomes that much smaller

The family we lose as we age, the ache of an empty home as children begin to move on and begin their own journey into adulthood

You warn them about how fleeting time is, to cherish it, and spend it well

But they ignore us and wave us aside as just like you did once long ago, believing they know more and will be better at life than we ever were

Maybe they are right, and some will soar, while others we will watch squander their lives toiling away at life believing the next big break is around the bend

As adults we find that life is not all we told ourselves it would be, we wish we had listened to those that came before us that we lost, and live only in our memories when we reminisce

As we move along late into the elder years of our lives, if we are so lucky to find ourselves there, the pain of becoming an adult is now not just in our hearts but in every joint and bone we have, the morning and evening aches settle in as we no longer have the strength to do the things we wanted to do when we said we would retire and enjoy our golden years

As the twilight of our lives ease in we feel the pain of all the time we wasted away, so I leave you with this….

Take heed and look around while you can, enjoy the time you are so fortunate to have

Love yourself and the ones around you

Do your best to have no regrets, take that trip, try that new restaurant, even if you go on your own

Talk to that pretty girl, or engage with the young man that caught your eye

If you never take the chance love and life will flee before you, and you will close your eyes wondering what if one last time

It’s painful becoming an adult, but you can make the best if you savor everything you can, share your triumphs and downfalls, be there for those you love, you never know when it will be the last chance you may ever have

Feeling Vulnerable..

One of the members from my French Bulldog meetup group face timed me while I was at work. I only answered it because she consistently called twice through, and I knew last night she had lost her girl. When I answered gearing myself to face someone who was grieving their loss, I was taken aback. I saw her holding her dog. She was gone, she had passed the night before and here we were 12 hours later and she still had her at home with her, holding her kissing her. For a moment it brought me back to my loss and the day I had to say goodbye, how I wished I could have held him longer and kiss him. But I knew it wouldn’t do me any good and with my sister there experiencing this loss for the first time, I had to bring him to the cemetery for his cremation. I did ask to view him being laid in a private crematorium. I promised him and myself I would be with him every step of the way and I had, I brought him back home in his special urn the next day and he’s been by my bedside since.

Looking at her, seeing her grief so raw hurt so much. I cried with her; I know her pain. Her Vittoria was everything to her and her husband. This little girl was so pretty and so sweet. She had traveled the world, she has been in 4-5 different countries, they would spend days at the park with her in a basket as they rode a bicycle. She was always by their side when out and about in NYC, they took her everywhere they could. She cried over her guilt of feeling like she didn’t spend enough time with her in this last year as her hobby of photography took off and she was being published online and in the local art gallery. I connected to that, because of all the times I thought of I could have been home, or just not do the chores and lay with him as he slept. Sad how we think we never give them enough when we gave them so much, but we always feel it could have been more.

My head hurts, my heart hearts. I just want to go home and cry, I want to cry for my friend and her loss, for Vittoria’s passing and not seeing her sweet face anymore. I want to cry for the grief I still carry in my heart that hurts so much still. I will call her later and check on her, I know she has her husband, but I want to check on her, let her know she is not alone. As much as it hurts reopening the wound, it helps me to be there for her to help her navigate through this. I want her to know that her grief, her pain, her guilt is all a part of this process. I want her to know she isn’t alone. It’s the worst part about grief is being alone with your thoughts, being alone when all you want is one person to let you be weak and fall to pieces while they hold you and keep you safe.

Gratefully I don’t go home to an empty home, though it’s not the same space anymore without Monster, I still have my Oliver and he has become so affectionate. I’m so thankful for his love and the snuggles, his crazy boy antics that make me laugh. He reminds me I’m not alone and I can still love. I want to be able to give that to my friend, and I need to remind myself how precious of a gift that I had in Monster and now Oliver. He really was brought into my life to be there for Monster to navigate the chapter of our lives after the divorce, so he wasn’t alone all day while I was at work (he would lay near him all day and when he would get up to drink or use the pee pad Oliver would walk by his side guiding him). Now he’s there for me and I am there for him. Till we can all be there for each other again on the other side of this life we make.

It’s been a while…

It’s been a while since I’ve been here. A lot has happened, and some things have stayed the same. I went to the Keys for my 50th last year with my sister, been to concerts, worked on my home, traveled to South Carolina, been working on myself and standing still all at the same time. I was also recently in Kentucky to help my god daughter out as her husband was attacked in their home (stabbed multiple times) by her brother and needed help. I flew out to take care of the house and all 8 dogs while she stayed at the hospital an hour away. It was chaotic and crazy to say the least, thankfully he’ll be ok. Seems her brother had a psychotic break and snapped, there is a good possibility of him being on psychedelic mushrooms, but no one is talking. It doesn’t matter if he was or not, he will be doing time, he’s locked up for now until trial which may be in another year or two and will most likely serve at the least 10 years. For now, I am just here for her mom who is a very good friend of mine as she is stuck in the middle of both her kids and what happens next. But that is not my story to tell, it’s draining emotionally to say the least and being there for the 5 days to help tapped me mentally and physically.

I’m still single, and not looking to mingle. As far as John was concerned, my instincts were right. Too much of a Nestor vibe with it all about him and needing me to get him through whatever he was going through. I never did let myself get invested in him emotionally, which I’m happy about; he proved to me that he was using me. The moment I needed that friendship to go my way he was out. I didn’t hear from him for a couple of months, we went from talking several times a day and texting all day to barely anything. I didn’t reach out, I told him when I had to let my boy go I would most likely go into myself and be buried in my own grief. His exact words were I’m still going to call you so you better answer, I need to know you’re okay and I’m not going to let you disappear. Well low and behold, with losing my boy and my ex making his reappearance making me feel unsafe, guess who disappeared instead. Shocking right? He text me a couple of months later after never hearing another word from him again to wish me a happy birthday. I was pleasantly surprised and responded thank you. Two days later he announced on social media he was in a full-blown relationship. I knew it all along, I called it. I knew I was being used to get him better, I was to be the fall back, the consolation prize if this didn’t happen. He pulled back because he was hedging his bets to see if the woman he ended up with, who lived nearby him would happen. I’m not mad that he’s in a relationship, I would have been happy and supportive, I was never going to be with him, nor did I want to be. It’s the point of using me to get you better, declaring I’m your best friend, make plans you never intended to keep, then drop me because my life was no longer available to support yours emotionally and you were getting a piece on the side. I saw the post on facebook and removed him from my social media to find he was following me on other platforms that I blocked him as well. No you don’t get to see my life to try and have a way back in after disrespecting our friendship. We went back almost 40 years, destroyed because he needed someone to make him better. I even told him us would never happen; we were friends and that’s where I was keeping it. It’s the dropping me when I needed someone because you were getting some ass. Peace out I’m done with being used.

It’s been almost a year since we spoke. I am so good with that; the crazy thing is my ex and I have been on decent terms. He’s since gotten his own place (no I never let him move in I’m not crazy), and he actually has a job. You heard that correct he actually has a job and this one is on the books. He does store he bike in my garage and some of his stuff, but he pays me monthly for rent. I put him on notice that if he starts anything with his bike being touched or anything else and I will toss the bike and all his shit in the street. He even went to detox to come off the pain meds, well that wasn’t solely by choice, his nurse practitioner can no longer dispense any narcotics, no other doctor will give it to him and now that he has to cover rent and all his bills, he has no money to buy them on the street. He didn’t have a choice, but it was only because of that, I allowed him to rent a space in my garage. We are in a weird way sort of friends, he’s helped me with a couple of issues with my house (had a broken pipe in the sink) and I paid him to sheetrock my kitchen. It’s become a beneficial friendship of sorts for both of us. But I make it very clear we will NEVER EVER be back together. He’s been respectful, and I never let him forget that I don’t go backwards, that chapter is closed forever. We can be friends or nothing at all. So far it’s been ok.

For now, I am just trying to take care of myself. I have more travel plans coming up this year, back to South Carolina, I’m hitting Chicago to visit friends and go to a concert, New Hampshire to visit, hopefully a few more concerts and hosting friends coming to town at my home. Doing home improvements, mini kitchen renovation and I’ll be building a panty in my hallway closet for storage. Most importantly I am with a new endocrinologist. My old one stopped taking my insurance and probably for the best, once again over medicating me on a cocktail of thyroid medications. From what I’ve learned with this new doctor and my own research, over medicating me has cause my SVT’s ( I would have never needed the ablation if I hadn’t been over medicated) as well as the severe anxiety I had been suffering from. I had no notice until the night before my visit that they no longer accepted my medical insurance which left me waiting 3 months for an appointment with a new doctor and no meds at all. I ended up with shingles last month (it was really bad like, I was covered from the back of my neck down shoulder, to the front of my chest). Both my general practitioner and the new endocrinologist feel my body went into shock with being without my thyroid meds and hence shingles. She said my anxiety and mood swings were greatly attributed to being overmedicated, that at the levels my blood work was at for my thyroid that it was dangerous. Thankfully from therapy I can talk myself off a ledge when an anxiety attack comes out of nowhere. Even last night I woke up in the middle of the night, my heart racing and panicking. It’s awful, I hide a lot from people, I just go home and collapse now. We are running new labs, checking for additional hormone levels and cortisone levels as well as getting an ultrasound because the side of my neck is inflamed. Hopefully soon I will be able to start a new medication regimen to help my thyroid so I can continue to work on myself.

I know I have people around that are happy to support me but I would rather navigate this by myself and just act like everything is ok for now. Only my closest friends know what is happening and even them I am keeping at arm’s length. I don’t have the energy to deal with their questions and telling me what I should and should not be doing. I’ve done the therapy; I know what has to happen and I will be okay. We are all a work in progress, and I am no longer going to hate on myself for trusting in people that didn’t deserve me. And I will no longer carry the guilt of my past mistakes that I see were out of my control. I want to start writing again, get back to my poetry, work on some short stories. I will but right now it has taken me a couple of hours to just spew this out. All I know is that I have a future ahead of me and I will do all I can to live as much of it as I can.

Crossroads

It’s been a rough couple of months. Adjusting to my new normal without having my boy here and my ex husband having moved back to the area. And the icing on the cake was my sister also letting her first dog go, and that went horribly bad. The short version …. We brought him in to let him go at 16 1/2 and her regular vet was away but we couldn’t wait, they took him into the back to place a catheter in his leg and stressed him out so much he was brought back to us and he wasn’t breathing, he was gone. My sister is devastated that he went with strangers and stressed out. It was horrible.

In just 3 days I’m turning 50, and instead of feeling like I’m finally on my path I feel unsure. I’m unsure of how I move forward. I’ve come into my own with taking charge of my home entirely, had a big to do with a town project that I put my foot down with these men thinking they could tell me what to do with my property, I handled that and then some. At work I handle my manager who thought who he was like a boss. I got the respect that was due me. But when it comes to my love life it’s a hot mess.

One of my closest friends had made mention of me calling N and I told her that was a hard no. I really miss our friendship and our endless conversations but we both (mostly me) screwed that up. My nervous breakdown and inability to control my own emotions destroyed us even remaining friends. When she made a comment to me how John was all over my Facebook and should go for it I told her no, for the simple reason he gave me N vibes. He was another that constantly called and text. Made plans that never held up. He needed someone to lean on and be supportive and that was me. But when my heart was ripped out losing my boy he was no where to be found. All of a sudden because I couldn’t be there for him he was out. And I have refused to pick up the phone to call or text him. I have essentially washed my hands of him. I had another old friend pop up wanting to get together and more to find out he’s married. Seriously?!!! Yeah I don’t do that. Then at a dinner to celebrate my uncle’s birthday who passed away recently his best friend (who is closer to my age) was there trying to make conversation and get close to me. Hmmm been there done that with him a long time ago, and to hear he also has a girlfriend….unbelievable.

Do I have a neon sign on me blinking come here, have wife have girlfriend who cares come hit on me. Here to be a door mat to be used. Now granted I didn’t allow anyone near me physically but still. Is this all that is out there? Am I only seen as someone to be used and discarded when they are done? Do my feelings mean absolutely nothing to everyone? I’m at a point that I don’t trust my own judgement when it comes to men.

Would I like companionship? Yes

Would I like to have someone of my own to lean on? Of course

Do I trust any of them? No not any more

I do not regret getting divorced. While N did lead me down that road with the illusion of there being a possibility of a relationship between us, I do not regret the choice I made. I own my space and my decisions. Emotionally I am a world away from how I was last year, I was a mess between the breakdown, alcohol and being over medicated and the heart issues. I don’t even feel lonely, it’s just sad that the only men that come around just want to exclusive use me for whatever they can get. I’m at a point that I’m going to get real comfortable being alone because I can’t trust anyone not to use me. I don’t trust their intentions because I’ve been proven otherwise. Case in point my ex trying to get back with me is never going to happen.

I’ve resigned myself that I will live this next chapter alone. I will continue to work on my home and myself. I will start traveling (going to the Keys soon) and just stick with the few friends that have stuck with me and the madness that was my life. I’m a lot more secure in myself and who I am and what I want, but allowing myself to trust someone new. I don’t think will ever happen. The worst part is the only one I miss other than my dog is N. He was a rock in a dark time, but that’s beyond what it could have been even as friends. And no I shouldn’t give him a pass either because I’m truth he led me on, made promises he had no intention of keeping and knew how I was feeling yet left me out to hang as I was trying to save myself.

Maybe it’s just me, maybe it’s my lot in life to be alone. Eventually I will have another dog, I will love them and enjoy a new chapter with them. I will travel and try to bring the warmth back into my home that died with my boy. I will move forward on my terms but it will be alone.

Hanging on by a thread

Almost two weeks ago I had to say goodbye to my heart, he had two episodes within an hour then two days later another. I knew it was time. I made the arrangements and March 10th the vet came to my home and helped him to peacefully move on. My heart is shattered. I broke last week and called my best friend and just sobbed. I miss him so much, he was small he was quiet, yet my home feels so empty. I still can’t get over that I’ll never see his sweet face again, snuggle him, or listen to his little snores. if I had a soulmate in life it was him. He was perfect in every way. And he’s gone. It was worth the cost to have them come to him, to keep him comfortable and stress free. I took his body for cremation and brought him home the next day. I went from the worst agony and loss to being numb. I just cycle back and forth. Coming home is hard, if it wasn’t for my cat I don’t think I could walk through this door.

My cat Oliver has been sticking close to me. He snuggles with me and has even taken to sleeping under the blanket with me for a little bit at night. I know he misses him too and we are just trying to comfort each other. I brought him to see Monster after he had passed. I wanted him to realize that he didn’t just disappear on him. He seems ok, he eats and I’m playing with him even more, I’m grateful he came into my life. He gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning

To get it out of the way I called my ex to let him know. He was screaming and crying, then in the next breath he tells me he was moving back to NY, and he asked to stay with me. I couldn’t breathe, I’m standing over my boy’s body and he’s telling me he’s moving back. I told him no, he asked just two weeks, a week, he’ll stay in the garage. I told him no and hung up on him.

He showed up a week later. He called my job and said he wanted to meet for lunch. I agreed only because I figured it would get seeing him out of the way and I wouldn’t have him passing by the house. All the best laid plans and hopes just fell away for me. He calls me when I get home to tell me that the guy who he was supposed to stay with is away this weekend and now he’s stuck with his u haul. He asked if he could stay the night, again I told him no. He asked if he could just stop by and I said fine but he is not staying.

He showed up and my neighbors saw the U Haul and text me, I did confirm to her fears that he was here visiting and if they wanted to stop by. Thankfully they did, when they left I told him I was tired and needed to get some sleep. He asked once again to stay and I said no. He complained he had no where to go and I said it’s not my issue, get a room somewhere. He carried on to let him stay the night, that he’s changed he’s different. I told him no, that he hasn’t changed that the fact that he can’t respect that I told him no several times and still won’t leave shows he hasn’t changed. I was shaking hard on the inside, but kept my cool. He tried guilting keep, manipulating me but I held my ground. He almost got aggressive then stormed out. He asked before he left if he could still store his boxes in the garage, I said yes but I don’t want the bikes here. I’m not taking responsibility for them and after all I’ve been through because of them I don’t want them here. He left saying he’s going to throw his shit in the street and just be homeless, to he’s sleeping in his truck. But he left, only to call me to ask for a hotel nearby. I told him the one he was looking for and he left.

Oh but it doesn’t end there, he called me Saturday morning waking me up to find out when he could come by to unload the U haul. I told him a time and he showed up. To unload a dozen boxes took almost 5 hours. My neighbor came over to help him with the compressor and told me on the side he’s dragging this out as long as he can. But I already knew that. I told him I needed him to finish up I had errands and places to be. He had the nerve to tell me oh just lock up the house and run your errands, I’ll give you money and you can bring back dinner. I told him no, I’m going out and not coming back I have plans. He finally finished up and I locked up and ran out. I ended up hiding out at a friends house till late, I didn’t want him cruising by to see me home earlier and think he can stop by. He said he’d see me Sunday and I told him no, my dad was coming over and I didn’t even want him popping in at all.

He had the nerve to ask if he could wash a bag of clothes, I took them and said I would do it. I didn’t want him hanging out here any longer. Of course he called me this morning, and I cut him off I had to get ready to leave for work. He text me on my way home about wanting to pick up a change of clothes I told him I’ll bring him the bag. Because of course he went into how he can’t carry it on the bike blah blah blah, I told him I’m not having him come here every day, it’s not happening. He said fine bring the bag he’ll just throw them out after wearing them. I don’t care. I don’t.

My home has been peaceful, I’ve felt safe. Even with this heartache from losing my boy, my home was good. Now I’m looking over my shoulder. Driving home tonight I felt like I was still living with him. Stressed, tense, I felt like I was going through all the abuse all over again. Which is why I held firm to him taking his clothes. I’m sure he’ll find some excuse to stop by and he’s not going to like me making sure he doesn’t make it a habit. I’m sure he’ll ask for the key and clicker to the garage, that’s a no. It’s my garage and I’m finally owning it. I’m not allowing him to come and go as he pleases, id rather make it tough for him so once he gets a room he can put his shit in storage.

I’m mad, I’m mad that he’s back. I’m mad that I feel like a battered wife again and we’re divorced. I’m mad that once again he’s stolen my grief from me like he did with my mom, because I’m so on edge about him being back. I’m mad at myself for allowing him to make me feel like this. It just hasn’t been enough time away from him to not feel like this. John is concerned that he’s going to escalate and get physical with me. That is a concern of mine as well, but I can’t give in. I can’t let him intimidate me. He’s the type to be given an inch and he takes a mile.

My nerves are shot, my heart feels dead inside. I just want to lay in bed and hide and cry but I can’t do either. And all I want is to feel safe again, and that’s not happening any time soon. I don’t even have someone I can lean on, what I wouldn’t give to have someone to just hold me and just let me cry. To feel safe enough to cry and close my eyes. I just need a break.

Unsure and Afraid….

So John and I are still talking. I tried to put some distance between us, even though I don’t want a relationship I don’t want to get attached either. The days I keep him at bay I realize he doesn’t like it. That’s just too bad, I like him but again I don’t see how this can work between us when he doesn’t live close and he’s always working or with his kids. We can be having a conversation and he gives off that he’s interested and then I’m not sure. For example the other night he sent me a video of the leather paddle some guy had made, and he had demonstrated it on his sub. It was hot, I wanted to be the girl of course. John has been trying to get a hold of the guy in the video to try and get one, he has mentioned it a few times and I told him point blank that I’d like to forget about the video because it wasn’t me experiencing it. He laughed and said well friends can help friends out. I just laughed and said yeah sure you would. Our conversation got a lot more explicit after. We talked about how a lot of men don’t know what they are doing in the bedroom, that women don’t want to teach a guy how to be with them. Yes you can show them and lead them to doing things, but in my experience any time I’ve suggested anything I like or how to do something better so it actually feels good men get offended. He assured me he’s not like that, he went on to explain about how to watch a woman’s body react, to pick up on the subtle signs. About how adventurous he is and risque. At time’s I’m unsure if he’s just talking or he’s laying out the bait for me. It’s so confusing.

I know I should just say something, but that’s not me to do that. So that’s why I pull back. I keep the distance. He doesn’t say the things he used to because he’s not drinking and his inhibition’s are not lowered. We have talked about the things I like and what turns me on, he did spill what his kryptonite was and of course I used it against him lol. He asked if I had one and I told him I had two, he said we needed to discuss that at another time. I’ll see if he brings it up to find out, if he does and he uses it then I’ll know. Right now I don’t know. Realistically I’m not ready for a relationship, but if I could have a friends with benefits relationship that would work. I don’t want to turn 50 and still be in a dry spell. It’s so hard to meet people nowadays, and honestly if I met someone I’m a stickler for making them wait. I can’t just fall into bed with a stranger. Look I may not be a prude in bed, but I’m not a whore that just sleeps around either. I really think I could have a lot of fun with him and be safe.

In the meantime I have bigger issues. My ex husband (EH) is making his way to NY, supposedly he’s driving a truck (for unknown reasons) and is trading one of his bikes for a car up here. He said he’s coming up for a doctor’s appointment, as if there are no doctors in Florida. I don’t know where he’s staying because he can’t stay with me. My best friend already told her husband he can’t stay with them either, I’m afraid he’s coming with all his stuff in the truck and he’s going to show up on my doorstep saying he has no where to go. It’s not my problem, I know if I let him stay even for the night he will not leave. I told John and he got upset, he said he realized something was off this weekend and left me alone, I think he thought it was him that I was upset with. And yeah I kind of gave him the cold shoulder on Sunday, but then the EH called and threw me off. He called a second time but I wouldn’t answer. John told me point blank not to answer the door or my phone. It’s hard not to answer the door, I can’t hide my home is a ranch, it’s a small house and you know I’m home, even if you can’t see in.

I know when he gets here he’s going to want to see my dog, and I did give him visitation rights. But he can’t stay. John was adamant about revoking that completely. He said even though he’s almost 70 he’s very strong, he reminded me that he tore my ACL completely, he’s hit me and threatened me before, he told me I can’t let him in. If I let him in and don’t allow him to stay it will get bad. I already know this. My anxiety is through the roof, I don’t know when he’s getting here or where he will be when he does. I don’t want him living back out here because I will always be looking over my shoulder. I told my next door neighbor he’s heading back up this way, not sure if it’s permanent or just a visit, I need someone close by to be aware god forbid. John asked if I had any male friends that could be here when he comes, but how do I put someone else at risk, and I lost my male friends because of him so even if I did ask there is no one to ask. But I also don’t want to pull anyone into my shit.

So as much as I would love to have John come visit and see me, to see if there is an option to be more than friends, I don’t want him here in case this one shows up. It will be a shit show, and at this point my EH has nothing to lose. Which is a scary thought for just myself but anyone else, I can’t. I’m praying something happens and he can’t come, and if he does he leaves quickly and leaves me be.

The Sadness

I don’t understand it

The sadness that has crept up inside me

I ache from this emptiness that fills me

All I want is to hide

To lay down and just cry

To let my tears flow till there is nothing left of me

Empty

Just like I feel

Alone

Cold

I yearn so much for a human touch

I’d let a stranger near me

If only he promised to leave after he held me

But it’ll never be enough

It’ll never be you

So I’m left here

Drowning in my sorrow

Unable to breathe

And I cry

So quietly … I cry

Till there is nothing left

Till the night takes me

And another piece of me dies