It’s been a while since I’ve been here. A lot has happened, and some things have stayed the same. I went to the Keys for my 50th last year with my sister, been to concerts, worked on my home, traveled to South Carolina, been working on myself and standing still all at the same time. I was also recently in Kentucky to help my god daughter out as her husband was attacked in their home (stabbed multiple times) by her brother and needed help. I flew out to take care of the house and all 8 dogs while she stayed at the hospital an hour away. It was chaotic and crazy to say the least, thankfully he’ll be ok. Seems her brother had a psychotic break and snapped, there is a good possibility of him being on psychedelic mushrooms, but no one is talking. It doesn’t matter if he was or not, he will be doing time, he’s locked up for now until trial which may be in another year or two and will most likely serve at the least 10 years. For now, I am just here for her mom who is a very good friend of mine as she is stuck in the middle of both her kids and what happens next. But that is not my story to tell, it’s draining emotionally to say the least and being there for the 5 days to help tapped me mentally and physically.
I’m still single, and not looking to mingle. As far as John was concerned, my instincts were right. Too much of a Nestor vibe with it all about him and needing me to get him through whatever he was going through. I never did let myself get invested in him emotionally, which I’m happy about; he proved to me that he was using me. The moment I needed that friendship to go my way he was out. I didn’t hear from him for a couple of months, we went from talking several times a day and texting all day to barely anything. I didn’t reach out, I told him when I had to let my boy go I would most likely go into myself and be buried in my own grief. His exact words were I’m still going to call you so you better answer, I need to know you’re okay and I’m not going to let you disappear. Well low and behold, with losing my boy and my ex making his reappearance making me feel unsafe, guess who disappeared instead. Shocking right? He text me a couple of months later after never hearing another word from him again to wish me a happy birthday. I was pleasantly surprised and responded thank you. Two days later he announced on social media he was in a full-blown relationship. I knew it all along, I called it. I knew I was being used to get him better, I was to be the fall back, the consolation prize if this didn’t happen. He pulled back because he was hedging his bets to see if the woman he ended up with, who lived nearby him would happen. I’m not mad that he’s in a relationship, I would have been happy and supportive, I was never going to be with him, nor did I want to be. It’s the point of using me to get you better, declaring I’m your best friend, make plans you never intended to keep, then drop me because my life was no longer available to support yours emotionally and you were getting a piece on the side. I saw the post on facebook and removed him from my social media to find he was following me on other platforms that I blocked him as well. No you don’t get to see my life to try and have a way back in after disrespecting our friendship. We went back almost 40 years, destroyed because he needed someone to make him better. I even told him us would never happen; we were friends and that’s where I was keeping it. It’s the dropping me when I needed someone because you were getting some ass. Peace out I’m done with being used.
It’s been almost a year since we spoke. I am so good with that; the crazy thing is my ex and I have been on decent terms. He’s since gotten his own place (no I never let him move in I’m not crazy), and he actually has a job. You heard that correct he actually has a job and this one is on the books. He does store he bike in my garage and some of his stuff, but he pays me monthly for rent. I put him on notice that if he starts anything with his bike being touched or anything else and I will toss the bike and all his shit in the street. He even went to detox to come off the pain meds, well that wasn’t solely by choice, his nurse practitioner can no longer dispense any narcotics, no other doctor will give it to him and now that he has to cover rent and all his bills, he has no money to buy them on the street. He didn’t have a choice, but it was only because of that, I allowed him to rent a space in my garage. We are in a weird way sort of friends, he’s helped me with a couple of issues with my house (had a broken pipe in the sink) and I paid him to sheetrock my kitchen. It’s become a beneficial friendship of sorts for both of us. But I make it very clear we will NEVER EVER be back together. He’s been respectful, and I never let him forget that I don’t go backwards, that chapter is closed forever. We can be friends or nothing at all. So far it’s been ok.
For now, I am just trying to take care of myself. I have more travel plans coming up this year, back to South Carolina, I’m hitting Chicago to visit friends and go to a concert, New Hampshire to visit, hopefully a few more concerts and hosting friends coming to town at my home. Doing home improvements, mini kitchen renovation and I’ll be building a panty in my hallway closet for storage. Most importantly I am with a new endocrinologist. My old one stopped taking my insurance and probably for the best, once again over medicating me on a cocktail of thyroid medications. From what I’ve learned with this new doctor and my own research, over medicating me has cause my SVT’s ( I would have never needed the ablation if I hadn’t been over medicated) as well as the severe anxiety I had been suffering from. I had no notice until the night before my visit that they no longer accepted my medical insurance which left me waiting 3 months for an appointment with a new doctor and no meds at all. I ended up with shingles last month (it was really bad like, I was covered from the back of my neck down shoulder, to the front of my chest). Both my general practitioner and the new endocrinologist feel my body went into shock with being without my thyroid meds and hence shingles. She said my anxiety and mood swings were greatly attributed to being overmedicated, that at the levels my blood work was at for my thyroid that it was dangerous. Thankfully from therapy I can talk myself off a ledge when an anxiety attack comes out of nowhere. Even last night I woke up in the middle of the night, my heart racing and panicking. It’s awful, I hide a lot from people, I just go home and collapse now. We are running new labs, checking for additional hormone levels and cortisone levels as well as getting an ultrasound because the side of my neck is inflamed. Hopefully soon I will be able to start a new medication regimen to help my thyroid so I can continue to work on myself.
I know I have people around that are happy to support me but I would rather navigate this by myself and just act like everything is ok for now. Only my closest friends know what is happening and even them I am keeping at arm’s length. I don’t have the energy to deal with their questions and telling me what I should and should not be doing. I’ve done the therapy; I know what has to happen and I will be okay. We are all a work in progress, and I am no longer going to hate on myself for trusting in people that didn’t deserve me. And I will no longer carry the guilt of my past mistakes that I see were out of my control. I want to start writing again, get back to my poetry, work on some short stories. I will but right now it has taken me a couple of hours to just spew this out. All I know is that I have a future ahead of me and I will do all I can to live as much of it as I can.
The Quiet Storm 