So this past weekend I finally spoke with The Husband, he’s been on his best behavior being extra nice and helpful. All I can think is a little too late, actually years too late. So I told him we needed to talk which he popped right up for, I’m sure he was hopeful that all his good behavior would allow him to get away with his shit again. I started with you know that I actually did file for divorce, and he asks if that’s what I really want. I told him yes, and that I am putting money together to help him restart. He got a nasty tone and told me you’re damn right I’m not leaving with nothing I’m taking half the house. I shook my head at him and explained fine but just so you know if this is the way you want to go you’re going to sell your bikes, I want half, also you owe half of my loan from the 401K since it was for the house downpayment and half the $20k my father loaned us as well. All to which he basically snarled at me and said yeah but that still means I’ll get 20K, I laughed and said um no, because with closing costs and the realtors fee then with what you have to pay half of in those loans you’ll be left with way less than I’m going to give you. I also asked him do you have $4000 to just retain the lawyer than the money to pay the $250 an hour to fight me? He said he’d find the money, I told him good luck and walked away.
He followed me out to the living room to talk more, stating he didn’t want the divorce and to give him another chance, just a month. I told him no, that he’s had years of second chances. That while I don’t hate him I don’t love him, that I needed to end this and that I’ve been unhappy for years. He went into blame mode with me again, I told him if you feel better blaming me fine. I don’t care at this point. I really don’t. I once again told him I’m trying to put money together that I wanted him to have to help him. That I would always be here for him, that I needed to put myself into a position to help him later on if he needed it. I mentioned about him going to Florida, that he hates NY and with his arthritis and the cold, he’d be happier down there. I told him I’m not leaving NY. He went into his guilt trip of I’m not going to live long, I’ll be lucky to see the end of the year. Yes I rolled my eyes at him, and I told him that he’s been saying that since day one that I knew him. I am not going to be guilted into staying as I have had for years. I’m done.
Since Saturday he’s still been nice. It’s almost as if he’s in denial. I want to shake him and tell him stop living in the clouds this is happening. I received a call from my attorney’s office today, I’ll be picking up my divorce papers tomorrow night, and then I’ll have to re approach him again to tell him I have the papers. I’m willing to split household items, but he can’t have my dog or cat. He can take everything in the garage which is all his anyway except for the lawn mower. I’m going to give him 3 months to move and the contingency on payment will be he gets a small portion upfront to help with moving costs and once he’s out he will get the remainder.
I don’t see this going smoothly, though I am hopeful he will take the money and run. I’ve already changed my beneficiaries on my life insurance and 401k. I am in the midst of refinancing the house (fingers crossed) to make it more affordable for myself to stay without needing to get a second job. I don’t mind getting a second job but right now i want to be home with my boy, he’s still hanging in there and doing well but I’m not dumb I know his time is not long here. I will be more than pleasantly surprised if we make it to 14 in July, but I am just grateful I had him for Christmas and New Years.
So N and I are still not back on the way we were, I have dropped the idea of letting my feelings be known. Right now I have too much going on to make myself even more vulnerable, and I know he’s going through a lot as well. But since New Years, even though we don’t communicate like we used to he’s been a bit more in touch, not a lot but shockingly a little more. He sent me pics and the video of the ball drop since he works right there and then he called me New Years Day in the morning to say hi. Than this past Wednesday he decided to video chat me while I was at work. Ugh!!!! I had taken a good walk on my lunch and it was windy out. My hair was a mess and so was my almost nonexistent makeup. But damn did he look good in his uniform at work. We spoke for a bit and then he had to get back to work. I was flustered, not just from seeing him but knowing I wasn’t at my best. And then he video called me again the next day, this time I was home which was pushing the envelope because TH was home and walking around. N almost hung up with me because he thought it was a bad time to which I assured him it wasn’t. So we stayed on and chatted, what was surprising was that when he took meal he never called, or liked to be bothered at all, that was his down time, even at home. But there he was at work, in uniform (yum) eating his meal chatting away with me. He flirted with me a little showing off that he’s growing in his hair because he crew cuts in for the summer and that he’s lost some more weight but that’s due to his illness. I told him he looks great but I’m worried about his weight loss, that even though I know the dr stated he wanted him to lose some, he prefers his weight as he needs the leverage on the job and doesn’t want to be a skinny rail. Personally I think he looks good and not overweight at all. He carries it quite well. This time I was better prepared for a video chat, my makeup was still on, and my hair was on point. We laughed and talked for a bit before he had to go back to work. He said he’d call later but I knew he wouldn’t. And that’s ok, I’m ok with that.
He messaged me pics of the cats on Sunday as it was the birthday of the youngest one. I messaged him later that night and he responded, but we haven’t spoken since. And while I do miss him so much, I am ok with it. My friend who is gifted when we spoke about the unrest in NYC and how the cops are being targeted, I mentioned how I would make sure he called when he got home to make sure he got home ok over the summer when everything was at its worst. Out of no where she states soon you’ll be able to talk to him freely. Which I hope means that TH will move on soon and sign the papers freeing me and making things less taboo between N and I. I look forward to that day.
But for now, I need to focus on getting this one to sign the papers without as little damage to me financially as possible. To get him out of my home and get me well, inside and out.
The Quiet Storm 